#and yesterday I was really productive and drove by myself for the first time so yaaaaaayy good days lately good days

[glubby]

Today I bought a shotgun and bled through my pants and and watched my brother sit in the window while driving to hold onto an unsecured table on the roof and locked myself out of my room so I climbed through the window. And it’s only 2pm. Good day so far

[iheart-nana]

xxvi. all roads lead to rome

☾⋆｡𖦹 °✩⋆｡° ✮

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX ─ between notes and secrets.

❛ there's many different ways you can kill someone you love the slowest way is not loving them enough ❜

Narrator's Perspective

The doors closed with a thud after one final passenger got on and the bus drove away into the darkness of the early summer morning. The sky was littered with little grey clouds, casting a shadow over the city. 

"It's going to rain today," Yumi observed.

"Yeah," Eunyoung gazed out the window with beady eyes, a smile tugging at her lips.

"Why do you react like that every time someone mentions rain? You're such a weirdo," Yumi scoffed.

"It rained the first time I met Sunjae," she said, still smiling.

"So what?" Yumi spat, "Big deal."

"It is to me."

"Shut up. Where is he anyways?"

"He usually sleeps in these days since he isn't on the swim team anymore," Eunyoung stated, "He takes the later bus."

"Oh god, where's the off button?" Yumi pretended to gag, "You're making me sick, stop it. I need a subject change, gosh. Why were you and Mom so solemn at dinner yesterday? I thought someone died."

Eunyoung's eyes darkened, bearing an eerie likeliness to the overcast sky.  Her smile fell and she looked away from Yumi because the answer to her question was probably written all over her face.

"Oh no, did someone actually-"

"No!"

"Thank god," Yumi sighed in relief, "You scared me for a second."

"It was nothing," Eunyoung said in answer to her previous question, "I was just tired, I don't know about Mom."

"If you say so."

"How 'bout you? Where are you mysteriously disappearing these days?"

Yumi swallowed. It was her turn to look away to hide her face that had "guilty conscious" written all over it, "Extra practice at the club," she answered curtly, "Didn't I tell you?"

"You did."

"Yeah, so that's it. Nothing mysterious. Just boring old piano practice."

"If you say so."

💿

Choi Eunyoung's Perspective

How did I end up here? I wondered, staring out of the bus window. It was nearly half past four, and I should have been home, studying—or at least doing something productive. Maybe it was the fact that I hadn't cracked open a textbook in nearly fifteen years, but I just couldn't muster the motivation to do so. Instead, I found myself deciding to visit Yumi.

The bus screeched to a halt, and I snapped my head around to see the doors swing open. I sprang from my seat and stepped off the bus, right in front of the Jagam High music club. Confusion furrowed my brow as I took a few hesitant steps toward the building, then stopped in my tracks. I rubbed my eyes, hoping I was mistaken, but the scene before me was unmistakable.

There, in plain view, was Yumi climbing onto Kim Taesung's motorcycle. The shock must have paralyzed me, because all I could do was stand there, agape, as they sped away, leaving a cloud of smoke in their wake. It took a moment for reality to sink in, but once it did, I snapped into action. 

I began to run.

💿

I must have really been out of my senses to run after a flipping motorcycle, because, by the time I reached what appeared to be Kim Taesung's front door, I stood at a turning where I was sure they couldn't see me, gasping for breath. Honestly, it was a miracle I didn't lose them. God knows how I was able to keep up; It must have been my determination to find out because there's no way I could have done it otherwise.

I leaned against a nearby wall, heaving and breathless. It took me a while to calm myself down, and in the meanwhile, I could hear his front door close and their muffled conversation. To be fair, there was no reason for me to be hiding like this as if I were committing some kind of crime. Yumi's the one who's been lying. To me. And to mom. Yet, she's going about deceiving me in broad daylight, with no shame whatsoever and I'm hiding behind a wall, trying not to get caught.

The tapping of my shoes against the pavement sounded in the empty street. I let out a long sigh. Behind my anger and frustration, I felt hurt. Hurt that Yumi felt the need to lie. No matter what happened, we had always shared everything with each other. Now, there was this secret between us.

"I would never hide anything from her," I muttered under my breath.

What could she possibly be doing with him that she couldn't even confide in me? My pace quickened as I moved towards Kim Taesung's house, anxiety rising in my chest. I practically zoomed past the outer safety door that was left ajar and stumbled onto the veranda and moved towards the front door. I rang the doorbell and waited impatiently, letting out another sigh.

After a few seconds, I racked my knuckles on the wooden door, the sense of urgency evident in my actions. I heard the doorknob rattle as Yumi opened the door. Her frown slowly morphed into a look of absolute shock and guilt. Her eyes instantly widened and she tried to stutter an excuse but it was no use, "Eun...uh.. I, the thing-"

"Save it," I snapped.

She turned to grab her bag from a nearby chair. I scoffed, mostly to myself as I turned to leave. I heard her call out, "I gotta go!" I heard some words of confusion mumbled by Taesung, but my mind was clouded by rage and betrayal. I couldn't comprehend what he said.

Yumi grabbed my wrist, stopping me as I turned around, frowning at her face.

"Eunyoung, please don't do-"

"Don't do what, exactly?!" I yelled, my voice laced with anger, "Yumi, I don't even know what to say to you right now. What is wrong with you?"

"Why are you mad?" she countered irritably.

"Why am I mad?" I repeated, letting out a strangled chuckle at the irony of her question, "I'll tell you why! You're running off to this guy's house I don't know how often a week, and lie to your family. This guy is the spitting image of a delinquent and he has trouble written all over his face. I hope that answers your question."

"I really don't get it, Eunyoung," she screamed, sighing after a few moments, "I don't get why you're interfering like this. It's my life, and let me screw it up! Why're you getting worked up over nothing?"

"Because I'm trying to protect you!"

"Look, everything I do is my choice. So, if I get hurt, it's on me! Just stay out of it, for God's sake, Eunyoung!" she screamed, "You're not even my real sister, so why does it matter?"

Her words pierced through my heart and all my anger melted away in a moment. The frown fell from my face and I felt a lump in my throat.  I took a step back watching Yumi realise the gravity of her words. They seemed to prick and burn my skin. My lip trembled as I stuttered out, "Fine."

I broke into a run onto the pavement as I faintly heard Yumi's voice call out to me in the distance, but I didn't look back. My vision blurred as tears streamed down my face.

☾⋆｡𖦹 °✩⋆｡° ✮

nana's notes: ouch, yumi, that stings.

delphi's notes: oh eunyoung, only if you understood.

list of chapters here! click here for next chapter.

inconvenience regretted 😞

[nancypullen]

Tick Tock (not to be confused with the controversial platform, TikTok)

Guess who received a surprise in the mail yesterday? This girl! Matthew is a techy gadget guy (Who am I kidding? All of the men in my family are techy gadget guys) and got in on the ground floor when this particular gadget was in development. He contributed early and many months later when the product was ready he received two. We're some of the first people in the world to have this very cool item.

You guys, it's SO cool! Every minute of the day gets a quote from a work of literature that mentions that time, and it's not the same every day - for example, 9:35am isn't going to be the same quote day after day. I find myself checking the clock all day long.

How's that for a happy surprise? I'm so tickled. It's really a lovely piece, heavy and well-made. I'm so crazy about it! I'll bet you know a bookworm that would love one of these. Speaking of being a bookworm. I'm doing a display at work with puffy clouds and silver raindrops for the month of April. I'm calling it Rainy Day Reads and I'll stock it with books that are known to be page-turners, books that pull you in and you can't stop reading until you know what happens next. I've been quizzing everyone I know, asking them to name a book that they simply couldn't put down. I don't care about genre - romance, thriller, mystery, spies, historical fiction, sci fi, chick lit, whatever! I'm hoping that I can find enough of the titles in our library's collection to keep the display full all month. Is there a book that kept you up reading past your bedtime? Tell me! New subject. Did I mention that I finally found someone who can cut my hair? Her name is Kelly and she works at a salon in Easton. She gave me the best haircut of my life. Not kidding. Surely that's a sign that things are starting to get better around here. The stylist was recommended by someone at work, a coworker who has thick hair. I asked her where she got her hair cut and she told me that I'd love her girl. She was right. In fact, this hair magician is so good that my sister drove all the way from Elkton (over an hour!) for an appointment and swears it's her best cut too! Where has this woman been all my life? For the last month I have actually liked my hair. That's a first. If you have crazy hair, go see Kelly at West Wing Salon in Easton. You will leave happier. I drove to Easton today just to run a couple of errands and ended up with a splitting headache. It's my own fault. I have a really cute little air freshener that dangles from my rear view mirror. I bought it on Etsy.

It was filled with a yummy fragrance oil and some dried flower petals. Every so often you tip it upside down and the oil soaks the wood top and keeps your car smelling pretty. When the original oil ran out I didn't want to pay Etsy prices for a refill, so I ordered a tiny bottle of Honeysuckle fragrance oil from Amazon and poured it in. Problem solved. Turns out, I probably should have diluted it because it is STRONG. Like, holy-cow-who-spilled-a-bottle-of-perfume strong. By the time I was halfway to Easton I could taste it. Then my right eye started twitching. I rolled a window down and that helped, but I'll have to pour some out and add water. Maybe that'll fix the issue. I could probably hang it on the porch and let the neighborhood wonder who has honeysuckle blooming. We'd be the first on our street to spot hummingbirds, for sure. Okay, on that silly note, I'm heading upstairs to soak in a bath and get into some jammies. There's rain on the way and I want to be under the covers when it starts dancing on the roof. Is there anything better than rain at bedtime? Sending our loads of love tonight, take what you need, pass it on. Wishing you sweet dreams and ,as always, stay safe, stay well. XOXO, Nancy

[lifewithoutmeds]

Tuesday, March 26

Tuesday. work from home day, and the first working day since yesterday was a holiday.

recap: monday, march 18th: nothing calendared. probably just wfh and the usual chores. tuesday, march 19th: in office day, and i met up with stephen t during lunch break and we had hainan chicken in his office and chatted and affirmed how much we appreciated and enjoyed each other's company and conversations. we had an in-person training day at the office learning how to fill out this quarterly form and i knew all of the answers and would raise my hand and eagerly answer the questions. afterward, the three koreans in the office waved me over and told me about a happy hour next wednesday as a colleague was retiring. i was surprised because i hadn't yet been invited out to a happy hour and i really hadn't seen myself making friends in this office. i was flattered, naturally. after work i went to BJ's for a few beers and met a queer lady at the bar and we had a really nice chat and exchanged ig handles and have been keeping up a bit. no attraction on my part but we had a lot in common so that was fun. wednesday, march 20th: mm, nothing calendared. thursday, march 21st: coworking day with danielle. we took a long walk with snicks at lunch and another one after work, instead of the typical happy hour. we walked over to get a healthy wrap from hummus republic, and then watched an episode of Love Is Blind and kind of realized that we could have fun without drinking and be healthy as well. it was still a bit tempting to go out and drink, but that was nice also. friday, march 22nd: worked from home, and about noon a guy came over to inspect my windows and we identified three that needed a tuneup. after work i joined a new abbey hiking group at griffith park, and i almost threw up as the elevation and pace were a bit much for me, but had a really nice hour and a half chat with one of the hiking leaders. saturday, march 23: slept almost the entire day, and then lana came over at about 6pm and we drove downtown to watch fortune feimster at the United Theater (formerly known as the Ace Hotel). we had pretty good seats, tig notaro made a surprise guest appearance to introduce fortune, and later on we realized that she and her wife were sitting directly in front of us so after the show we said how we were fans. afterward we walked to senoratown and lana treated to a delicious burrito. it was a really nice time. we get along really well, understand each other really well, and also have a very complementary sense of humor. however the burrito gave me a bit of a stomachache so i didn't sleep well. sunday, march 24: slept all day. about 12 hours. didn't go to church. just slept. monday, march 25: this is a newer county holiday, cesar chavez day. i finally got up, met up matt klapp for brunch in pasadena, and then we walked about one and a half hours on the trail behind JPL, talking the whole time, about life, about relationships, about xio, about how to get better. it was a really good time. i came home, did some chores, then hung out with my mom for an hour and ate some of the costco pizza she had purchased earlier that day. afterword i met up with lorena a bit spontaneously at BJ's and we had a couple beers and for some reason i had gotten randomly very sad and wept, per usual.

tuesday, today! worked pretty productively from home. did two loads of laundry. took a longish lunch hour walk, took a shower, read about 25 pages of my book while sitting out in the partial sun by the pool, reserved my Puebla hotel on the phone, and had planned to go walking with tracy after work, but she asked to postpone since a therapy session had to be rescheduled. although i was a bit disappointed to not be able to meet up as she's great company and i was looking forward to a long walk, this week has gotten increasingly busy, so i don't mind the break from activity.

the week ahead: wednesday: in office day, and happy hour afterward at highland park brewery near chinatown. will try not to get manically drunk and leave by 7:30pm. 8 tops. thursday: work from home, and then chrissy d will be coming over so we can go to the wiltern to see Sleater-Kinney, one of her favorite bands from high school. i think she mentioned she'd get dinner before, as i'd quit work at 5 and we'd probably need to leave around 6 or 6:30 to get to the wiltern and find parking timely. friday: RDO, but a 10:30 a.m. brunch with matt and patti, facetime with kelda at 2pm, and dinner with jeanine randomly at 6pm. saturday: just VBAS volunteering from 2-4pm. sunday: church, and lorena has said she'd come.

so yhea, lots to do. literally something every day or night.

i'm happy to note that this last week has been so much better than two weeks ago. it's a bit unsettling, how much my emotions have settled down. the intensity, the pain, the horror, the screaming in my soul have abated, and i just have a sort of sweet heavy sadness. the burden is not too great. i'm a bit lower energy than usual, but i'm not shrieking in pain. i had a really nice time with matt and i hope i was a help to him. i want to make it a point to go out walking with him every few weeks. although i can't quite relate to the depths of grief and sorrow that he is experiencing, i think i get it more than others, as my daily existence is typically plagued by that.

i'm thinking again about our incompatibilities. i was messaging with jingmai and she was saying how she does the little things like drink out of a klean kanteen and other small acts of consideration to people and the environment. i remembered that i drank almost exclusively out of my nalgene for water, and out of my little yeti thermos for coffee, and my reusable utensils at work. i make it a point to recycle. i bundle up or use a small space heater if i'm cold even though i can turn the heat up as much as i want without having to pay any extra for it. it's kind of interesting how i don't think people have much of an effect on big things, global things, like climate change, or capitalism/consumerism, or racism, or poverty, etc., so i don't think it's a worthy investment of resources to even try. but then again, why then do i use my nalgene? why do i reuse deli cups? i must in some way think that i'm capable of helping out, of making a dent, of trying to make the world even a slightly better place to live. i'm not sure what to do with that information though. if i think my small actions can make a difference, should i also throw myself into systemic change and wide-ranging policies? how can i actively not think it's helpful but also automatically act in ways which i think are helpful? there's some incongruity there that i should take some time to think about.

this week has felt better. i'm watching less youtube, and it has less of a pull on me. granted i think on saturday i had 14 hours of screen time, which is odd, considering i also logged 12 hours of sleep. i somehow wasted more than 24 hours in a given 24 hour period. hm.

small successes today: took a few walks got some sun while reading my book made my puebla hotel reservation counted my calories, and even though i'm not quite in a deficit, also won't just completely sabotage myself by running to ralphs to get a pint of ben and jerry's.

i feel grateful to have friends.

friends i am so grateful for: lana grace yoon grace kim amy lee tracy danielle caroline patti lorena amy caves jingmai

matt t matt k steven t amir t raymond m that's a nice amount. also in terms of gratitude: 15 years in the County (10 away from health insurance for life) condo $1300 mortgage payments 2.625% interest rate subaru my coffee set up mom, alive, and living close by working on the health. lots of walking in the last couple days, and i've eaten an apple (but also four slices of costco cheese pizza) more consistent reading, and less screen time also this week has an insane number of social activities i also signed up for my next few sessions of VBAS volunteering to make my 8 hours/month

i remember thinking about how my last two years have been. 2022 was mostly sleeping, crying, raging, and numbing myself. it was buying a bunch of gummies, it was playing 30 hours of oregon trail on my phone a week. it was new horror after new horror as i saw myself being scrubbed from jadai's ig, of watching her stuff slowly get moved out. it was also the year of my obsession with lorena, messaging her, visiting her, flying her out, spending so much time and energy in keeping her engaged, in treating her to the finest foods and experiences in LA. taking her camping, taking her fishing, all while she was falling for reyna, and eventually partnering up with her, and the agony i felt as i facilitated it like the simp/cuck that i am. 2023 was the year i tried really hard to get myself out. i made a bunch of resolutions, i started reading a bunch of books, i started an llc for my kimchi pancake business that never really got off the ground, i fostered kiwi and signed up to become a volunteer at the burbank animal shelter. i made friends with LD and tracy via bumble bff. i camped in bishop with LD and her partner. but then in may the mental health crisis hit and i could do nothing but sob for months. the week i felt my new meds start leveling me out, i learned about jadai's engagement and lost it all over again. but there was something a tiny tiny bit different. i reached out like crazy. i visited nida. i constantly called and texted my friends. i made plans. i coworked with amir once, and made monthly plans to cowork with danielle. i bought a bunch of books about grief and lost relationships. i reached out to kelda and made my therapy sessions more frequent. in a sense, i was the saddest i'd ever been, but there was also this weird sense of .... desperate attempts to dig myself out. granted there were so many triggers: my birthday, her birthday, christmas, new year's, etc.

2024 was off to a good start. i hung out with my mom and cindy eemo a lot. i went camping at joshua tree with my new lesbian asian friends. i followed through with the volunteering stuff (interview, livescan, etc.) i started to read again and made resolutions. i scheduled in live shows to fortune feimster and alanis morissette. i started listening to alanis, jason mraz, and pearl jam again. i watched more of The Office and less of police body cam videos. but then, the text from jadai came, and then the insane, sick coincidence of bumping into her on the street. on our anniversary. and the week and a half of mental breakdown that precipitated.

i know that it won't be smooth sailing, that it won't be that once i push through one crisis or hardship, that i'll be one and done. i am feeling some new insights occasionally, and sometimes my sighs are not so deep and heavy.

things to keep working on/at: maintaining friendships working out and eating healthily reading and writing volunteering at the shelter dressing and feeling better about myself making some home improvement repairs

i just need to keep plugging away and not feeling and acting only in extremes. i also want to spend more time with people who bring out the best in me like lana, tracy, and patti, and less time with those who drain me, as selfish as that may sound.

[jdidolau]

177 - 179. the next day, jonadio go grocery shopping

PHANTOM BLOOD BON VOYAGE EPISODE 2

JOJO Good morning!

[First one up is Jojo!]

JOJO I’m here earlier than Dio again?

[Just then...!]

DIO Ah.

[Dio walks down the hallway]

DIO You’re early, Jojo. Good morning, everyone.

JOJO Good morning, Dio!

DIO Good morning, Jojo. Shall we?

JOJO I’m surprised I arrived earlier than you did two days in a row. Are you catching my tardy habit~?

DIO I think you mean you caught my early bird habit. I was right on time today.

(Ding~)

[The elevator has arrived~]

JOJO You were five minutes late yesterday though~

DIO That doesn’t count.

JOJO Don’t make it a habit now~

DIO Oh, shut it. (Poke) (Poke)

JOJO Dio! (Giggle)

DIO (Rolls eyes) (Smiles)

(Ding~)

JOJO We’re getting groceries before we leave, right?

DIO Yes. But we’ll be going grocery shopping tomorrow as well, so we should only buy what we can get here.

JOJO We should get some snacks, then!

DIO We can buy snacks tomorrow. Besides, I’m sure you brought plenty in your luggage.

JOJO Ah... You caught me.

DIO Since I drove last night, would you like to drive first for today, Jojo?

JOJO Um... (Hesitating) (Determined!) Alright!

[Jojo is driving first!]

JOJO And then we’ll switch after lunch?

DIO Sure.

JOJO (Checking) (Checking)

DIO Everything alright, Jojo?

JOJO Ah, yes... Just needed to reacquaint myself with what we learned yesterday. Alright, let’s go!

---

[They arrive at the grocery store]

DIO Jojo, you’re in charge of toiletries and snacks.

JOJO (Surprised) Snacks? I thought you said we'll buy them tomorrow?

DIO (Turns away) (Shy) Don't make me change my mind again, Jojo.

JOJO (Grins) Alright! I'm on it, Dio!

[Task obtained, Jojo sets off!]

DIO Hmm, we should get some soup mix too...

[Dio scrutinizes the soup aisle...]

[Meanwhile, Jojo hums while scanning the snack aisle~]

JOJO Ahhh, I want to get all of these... But Dio doesn’t really like salty snacks. Or sweet snacks, unless it’s fruits. He loves strawberries. Oh, spicy potato chips! I haven’t packed any. I should get some.

(He puts three bags in the basket)

JOJO Dio likes spicy food, but he can’t handle them well. I should get some milder ones for him too.

(He adds two more bags)

[Dio spots him]

DIO Jojo, how many snacks do you plan on buying?

JOJO Dio, look! I picked out some snacks you’ll like!

DIO ...For me?

JOJO Yes! You like spicy food, right? I haven’t packed many snacks that you’ll like, so I’m buying some for you now. We should get strawberries for you tomorrow too. I’ve packed some cookies and instant noodles, so we don’t need to buy more. Oh, but I need to get some chocolate.

DIO ...You can get one.

JOJO Just one?!

DIO You probably packed plenty in your luggage.

JOJO That’s not true! I didn’t pack any chocolate bars, in case they melted...

DIO Fine. You can get two. We’re only here for thirty minutes before we have to go, so hurry it up, Jojo. And... thank you. For the snacks. (Shy) (Shy)

JOJO (Pleased) You’re welcome, Dio!

[Dio quickly walks away]

[Jojo gets some toiletries]

JOJO I’m not sure what kind of shampoo Dio uses, but he always smells like roses. He probably brought his own, though... I’ll get one for him just in case.

[Meanwhile, Dio is finishing up his shopping]

DIO I suppose we could buy some cooking oil now.

[He carefully looks through the bottles and puts one in the basket]

[He goes to look for Jojo]

DIO Jojo, have you finished with yours?

JOJO I have! Have you brought your shampoo? I got you a bottle just in case.

DIO I did, yes. Did you buy two bottles?

JOJO Yes, the other one is mine.

DIO Lavender?

JOJO It’s my favorite scent~

DIO Hmm, I see.

JOJO Yours is roses, right?

DIO Pardon?

JOJO Oh, it’s just that I noticed that you often smell like roses. And they’re your favorite flower too, so...

DIO You’re right. I like how it smells. You can put this one back, since I brought my own. We can share, if you like.

JOJO You’d be willing to share your hair products with me?!

DIO Don’t be ridiculous, Jojo. Just the shampoo. And maybe the conditioner too, if you want.

JOJO Alright. Thank you, Dio!

DIO Right, well. We should go check out.

[moyaca]

September 23rd

So yesterday, I tried prepping to stream for the first time. I have already come to the conclusion that nothing will go right and i just need to start now and fix later. I have had this beefy computer since black friday last year and am finally getting a chance to use it to its full capacity. I organized my desk which was sorely needed for leg room issues, but when it came to just pressing the button, i couldnt. I kept looking at the clock and trying to time manage with things like dinner, or when my wife would get home, and kept psyching myself out that it would not work out. So instead of streaming for hours, I played with no audience for hours instead. It did feel good of course to get lost in another world, but then you look and its 2am and realize you have to be up early for the first time since you lost your job.

Doing things like driving everyday are underappreciated honestly. Everytime I go a week without driving, I have to acclimate to the car and being on the road with people. I make simple mistakes and cause issues for my wife. She always gives me this look that says “i knew i should have drove.” The thing is i need that time to acclimate or it wont get the gears turning again. Its the same with applying for jobs, if you havent done it in a long time, its going to go poorly at the start and really just kill your confidence. Especially when the rejection emails start coming in, those sting pretty bad. I found a game company that recently moved in to SFL and I was shocked! We have no video game production studios anywhere. So I applied for the only position I was qualified for. Immediately I get back a response that I dont have enough experience in the video game industry. Well no shit, you need to work in the video game industry to have experience in the video game industry. I sure as hell wont take an unpaid internship to gain experience. That is ludacris when bills are a thing. So then what the hell can I do? The last 2 jobs I have taken were for gaining experience in the gaming industry, and they amount to absolutely nothing to employers.

I feel like im trapped sometimes. All the jobs I do want are in LA, Seattle, New York, hell even Atlanta. My wife’s job is here in SFL, so what am I supposed to do? Tell her to get a job somewhere else? I cant do that to her. It would not be fair. I could leave for some time to one of those states but then I would miss her and be paying rent on 2 different locations. Not a very practical thing. She says she would follow me where ever I would go, but I know she doesnt want to leave. I have to find a way to win here at home. Alternative ways to make money are possible. I just need to apply myself more and more and I can make it. Hopefully…

Thanks for reading,

Chris.

[wyrdify]

If I’m a little off or distant today, there’s a reason for it. I came to a sad personal realization earlier today, and my brain can’t let it go.

Putting a longer explanation below the cut. Triggers include: grief, death, hospitals, doctors, and other medical shit.

Sixteen years ago today, at 6:20PM ET, my uncle/godfather passed away at the age of 44. He was a brittle diabetic who died due to complications from that disease. His health started going down towards the beginning of the year, and he suffered from at least two strokes (that I know of). In September, his health became even worse, and my parents spent days at the hospital with him and other folks from my family. The last time I saw him alive was on my fifteenth birthday in August.

I remember the day as if it was yesterday because it is burned in my memory. It was a Thursday, and it was wicked windy outside. I was a sophomore in high school, and the school lost power because of the wind. Because we really couldn’t hold classes like we normally did, not a lot of productive work happened. The people who I carpooled with drove me home, and my grandparents on my mother’s side were there. They made us dinner, and they stayed until my parents got home late that night.

They told me he died after my younger sister went to bed. I remember crying a lot, and I forced myself to go to school the next day. My parents called the school in advance so they knew what was going on. I brought my guitar with me, and I played the beginning riff of Wake Me Up When September Ends on it. The song was popular at the time, and I had taught myself that beginning part. I played on my guitar until it was time for chapel (I went to a religious private school). The person leading chapel led prayers for my family, and I started crying. My best friend asked me why I didn’t tell her, and I didn’t have the heart to say that I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth. I didn’t want to say it.

I also wrote a poem that day, going through two or three drafts of it before I felt it was solid. My father and grandfather read it at my uncle’s funeral the next week. That wasn’t the only poem I wrote for him either. Later in the year, when we were told to write a sonnet for English class, I wrote one for him instead of sticking to the God theme that my teacher wanted me to (and my teacher was perfectly fine with it).

He was all I could think about for basically my entire sophomore year. I spent my geometry classes worrying I’d be told something happened to my father or mother. There was at least one time I had to leave class and cry in the bathroom because I was overwhelmed with grief. It got to the point that I was struggling in biology class, and my mother essentially told me to stop grieving and focus on my schoolwork. There were songs I couldn’t listen to anymore without breaking down into tears (the above one included). All in all, I just... wasn’t there.

I didn’t just lose a family member. I lost the man who stood up for me against my father (his brother). I lost the man I wanted to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I lost the man who did silly voices with me to make me feel better. I lost the man I never felt I had to be perfect for. I watched as my grandparents grappled with the loss of their oldest son at such a young age (only for my grandmother to die six years later). The last picture I have of my uncle is of him in the hospital, burned forever into my memory.

Today, after I got home from getting blood drawn this morning, I came to the realization that I had been alive without him longer than the time he was in my life. Last year, it was even, but this is the first year where it’s not. I’m 31, and I’ve lived longer without him. Grief doesn’t care how long someone’s been gone. It still hurts that I can’t remember his voice, that I never got to introduce him to my husband, or that I couldn’t play video games with him.

So, today, that’s where I’m at. I’m crying for the second time today, and I’m letting it happen (as much as I can since I am on shift). If I’m off today, this is why. It has nothing to do with any of you, and there’s not really anything anyone can do. I’m just listening to Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd, one of my uncle’s favorite bands, on repeat for now until the feelings become less suffocating. Just gimme a little bit, and I’ll be fine.

That is all. Carry on.

[highpope]

Silver Keys - Ch. Four

JJ Maybank x OC x Topper Thorton // Soulmate AU

warnings: mentions of abuse, swearing

notes: HI! I rewrote the ending of this ch. instead of finishing my Industry paper. I really hope you liked it :) Let me know what you think!!

Tags: @allycat449-blog @ifilwtmfc @sarcasticsagittarius1998 @auds24 @messagesinthesky @collecting-stories @cognacdelights @sunsetholland @uwubonebabie

(if you wanna be tagged or removed message me)

JJ never liked his birthday. It was just the weight of the day and the pressure to make it memorable. It was never something he could give himself. He didn’t like to make a big deal about it either. It was easier that way. It’s not that he didn’t appreciate what his friends did for him, he really did.

JJ remembers for his 16th birthday his dad was passed out drunk the whole morning and Pope came and picked him up and they went surfing all day. Later they stayed at John B’s, sang happy birthday, and had brownies, his favorite. He had found out later that Kie and June had baked the brownies themselves. It was the best birthday he had ever had.

JJ’s birthdays were always a fight with his dad. Like a sad yearly tradition that left him more bruised than the day before. The day reminded his dad of his mom and how they weren’t in love anymore and that she left him. That’s JJ, the constant reminder of the shitty world they live in.

His mom left them both. JJ always clarified that. If his dad got to be bitter and drink himself to death, then JJ got to be upset about it. Even just a little.

He hadn’t lived with his dad in a few years, only stopping in once and a while to make sure he wasn’t dead, had paid the bills, and kept food in the fridge. He didn’t deserve it, but not doing it made JJ feel guilty.

JJ had made it clear to his friends that he didn’t want to draw attention to his birthday this year.

“We’re not doing any party shit, okay? I just wanna go surf.” He had said Sunday. No one argued, but Kie did insist they at least go to The Wreck Friday for dessert. They all agreed and would stay over at the chateau to get to the beach the following morning. That was before June stood him up for surfing. And before she said she’d go out with Topper Friday night. Pope seemed to be on her side which was just the icing on his sad, sad birthday cake. He said as such to him when they went surfing Tuesday morning.

“JJ, I am not on anyone’s side. There are no sides.”

“But you knew!” JJ responded, his thoughts were circling in his head.

Pope sighed, “I knew that he sort of asked her out back at that party, but I didn’t know he came into the shop yesterday. and,” he gave JJ a pointed look, “I didn’t know you’d be this upset about June going on a date.”

“I’m not. She can go out with whoever she wants to go out with,” he said matter of factly.

Pope just raised his eyebrows and went back to unloading his car. They hadn’t made it down to the beach yet, JJ too distracted to keep walking.

“It’s just Topper man,” JJ fake shivered.

“Listen, no one’s thrilled about it being him, but we at least owe it to June to act, I don't know, neutral about the situation.”

“Okay, okay,” JJ brushed off his comment.

JJ wanted to say that no one knew if Topper was really June’s soulmate or not, but he knew that he would tell JJ not to be rude and accuse him of being in love with his best friend. Which was not the case here.

“No, I’m serious JJ. Don’t make her feel bad about going out with him. We owe it to her. That and about a million other things.”

JJ let that thought roll over in his mind. He was right. June was the most caring person in the world, she had put them all first every single time.

“Yeah, I know.” He paused, “And what if it’s not him?”

Pope was already walking down the beach, annoyed at how long JJ was taking, “then we fuck his shit up.”

JJ laughed at his abruptness because that’s exactly what he would have said.

The both of them spent the next few hours in the water, but JJ couldn’t stop thinking about what Pope said. And that’s why, the next day, JJ got out of bed before noon and drove to the bait shop around the time June would be getting off. He knew she wouldn’t have driven there, it was too nice of a day. So, he sat in the parking lot and waited.

When she was finally leaving, she used the side door. JJ had to run to catch up with her, startling both himself and June.

“Hey!” he called out.

She froze before turning around, “what’re you doing?” “Can I drive you home?”

She thought about it before agreeing.

“I’m sorry,” JJ began when they had gotten out of the parking lot. She was quiet and very visibly tired.

“The JJ Maybank… apologizing?” So, she was still mad.

“Okay, I deserve that. Go ahead, give it to me.”

June stayed silent in the passenger seat, her head leaning against the window, “No, I just shouldn’t have said anything.”

He gripped the steering wheel tighter, “No, it was shitty of me to be all passive-aggressive about it. It really doesn’t matter who you go out with or who you don’t or if it’s Topper or whoever.”

He looked over at her, bouncing her leg up and down and still leaning against the door.

“Are we okay?” he asks

“Always.” It took a moment for her to look over at him but she smiled. JJ cleared his throat and shifted his eyes back to the road. He already felt better, like he could breathe properly again knowing she wasn’t pissed off at him.

“What’re you humming?” He asks.

Her eyes were closed when she answered, “I don’t know. It’s been stuck in my head all day.” and then she started humming again, louder for JJ to hear.

“Oh, I know that song!” He starts to sing along, filling in the words.

June laughs, “I’ve literally never heard that song. That’s wild.”

“It’s your soulmate?” JJ poses tentatively.

“Yeah, yeah I guess so.” She breathed.

When they parked he asked, “Do you really think it’s Topper?”

June shot him a look instantly. He held his hands up in surrender, “I’m not arguing. Just… curious.”

She sighed a little before speaking, “I don’t know. But I’d hate myself if I didn’t try to find out, ya know?”

JJ just nodded his head, she looked as if she wanted to say more, but stopped herself. June climbed out of the truck and yelled behind her, “See you Friday?”

“Of course,” he yelled back. He watched her close the door behind her before driving off.

JJ didn’t go straight back to the chateau. Instead, he kept driving, the radio at the lowest possible setting, all the windows down until he ended up at his dad’s house. He parked a few houses down and just watched. He wasn’t sure if he was trying to build up the courage to go in, or if he wanted to see his dad come out, or what. He stayed for a while, not thinking about anything specific, just breathing in the cool air and watching.

Sometimes JJ wanted so badly to hate his dad. He desperately tries to erase all traces of familiarity, every last thing about himself that could possibly lead someone to Luke Maybank. He hated him. He hated him for giving JJ his eyes and his rough demeanor. He used to wish to be softer, kinder, more gentle. Someone like Pope or June. Instead, he was steel, dented, and hard to fix.

Sometimes JJ wanted so badly to hate his dad and everything he had done to him, that he couldn’t.

On Friday morning, well Friday afternoon, JJ walked into the living room of an empty chateau. Half asleep, he stumbled into the kitchen and pulled out an empty Eggo waffle box from the freezer. Cool. He then dragged his feet over to the cabinets and pulled out what was left of the coffee grounds and began making a pot. He thought about calling Pope and making him bring some breakfast from his dad’s, but then he saw the note on the counter.

went to get groceries. can’t survive on stale Oreos anymore

John b.

Well, that answered that JJ thought as his stomach growled. Stale Oreos didn’t sound too bad now.

About a half-hour later, he heard someone on the front porch and thought it must be JB back from the store, hands filled with groceries.

He flung open the door, “God, I’m starving. What-” He stopped in his tracks. Standing in front of him was his dad. It felt wrong, having him here. In this place, in this safe space that he and his friends had created. Such evil and anger weren’t welcome.

“What’re you doing here?” JJ said when his mouth finally caught up with his brain.

“Is that any way to greet your father?” Luke spoke as if he was reading from a teleprompter. His words were slow and meaningless, slurred together without a thought behind them.

JJ stayed silent, disgust rising in him.

“Heard you were in the neighborhood.”

“No,” JJ said through gritted teeth, “must’ve been someone else.”

“Don’t lie to me, boy. I’m the one who taught you how.” He was inching closer. He reeked of alcohol and sweat.

“You didn’t teach me anything.” He spits.

“Listen to me you little shit” Luke started, laughing as he lunged forward. It was a dark, empty sound. It made JJ’s ears ring. He closed his eyes for a second and the laugh echoed. It encompassed him, became him. JJ saw every fight, every empty beer bottle, every stack of cash blown away, every sleepless night and it overtook him. He was the product of hatred. He was steel, so scratched and dented and kicked in that not even the best people could fix him.

When JJ opened his eyes, his body hurt and his ears were ringing and he thought his lip was bleeding. He was laying on the porch, propped up against the doorframe. Once he was sure his dad had left, he started to get up. Every thought in his head was replaced by the throbbing of his left side. The more he walked, the more he breathed, the quicker it morphed into anger, “Fuck,” he yelled, “He came here! Here. Here. He was here.” He repeated it over and over until the words had no meaning. He left through the backdoor and ended up at the overlook. His mind was racing, replaying the moments from earlier and every moment prior. JJ didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to be the little kid with the shitfaced dad who forgot his birthday. But he was, so he did. JJ cried until his eyes were puffy and his head hurt and the sun had started setting.

Now, JJ was sitting in John B’s spare room. He crawled in through the window, not wanting to run into anyone if they were home. They were probably trying to call, but his phone was in the living room from this morning. He didn’t want to have to tell them, watch as their eyes scanned over him to assess the damage. He looked around the room that had somehow become his own. There were clothes piled on the floor, a few swimsuits left from the others hanging on the door, and empty beer cans littering the ground. The bed frame was broken, making the whole mattress tilt slightly towards the left.

JJ didn’t know what it was like to call someplace home. He was always hesitant, afraid that someone would just pull the rug out from under his feet and he’d be left falling. He never called his childhood bedroom home, it was a house. With four walls and a shitload of bad memories. He wanted to scream, why did he still let his dad have this control over him? He threw a shoe across the room and stormed out before stopping short in the hallway. He could hear a voice in the living room.

“Kie, it’s fine. I’m not going to be late, I just stopped at the chateau to get changed.”

She paused.

“Because it’s faster than driving all the way back to my house.”

“Okay, see you in five.”

Shit, his birthday dinner. JJ tried to retreat to the room, but he wasn’t fast enough. June had already seen him, “J! I didn’t know anyone was here. Thought you’d be with everyone else by now.”

She was holding onto the door frame with one hand and attempting to pry off her heels with the other. She was wearing a sparkling purple dress that he didn’t recognize and her hair was lazily pulled up on top of her head. A wave of nerves flooded his body, but he suppressed the feeling almost as fast as it happened.

He cleared his throat, “Uh, yeah. I was just leaving. Actually.” He grabbed his keys off the counter. He wasn’t sure if she could see his bruised knuckles from there, but he didn’t want to give her the chance.

“I can drive,” she offered softly, “if you’ll wait five minutes so I can get out of this shit,”

He nodded his head, and slowly sat at the counter, “spare’s open if you want.”

She nodded, heading into the room. JJ took this opportunity to bandage his side in the bathroom. It was already bruised, so he put some aloe vera on before taping it up and changing into a different shirt. Pope had mentioned once that aloe vera can help inflammation. Ever since there’s been a bottle in the first aid kit. He liked the smell, reminded him of summer.

He cleaned the cuts on his hand and his lip like he should have when he first got here. The blood was dry on his face and cleaning it only made the cut reopen. Fuck it, he thought and met June back in the living room.

She had changed into jeans.

“Hey, is this mine?” she asked, pointing to the shirt she was wearing. It was a gray high school track t-shirt, “I forgot to pack one and saw this in the dresser.”

“Must be, I didn’t do track, hell no.”

She laughs before linking her arm through his and leading them to the car. JJ couldn’t help but wonder how her date went. She was in good spirits, better than usual he noticed. He wanted to ask, but he was certain he didn’t want to know the answer. He wanted to tell her about his dad, too, surprisingly. But he knew the face that she’d make as soon as the words were out of his mouth. And that hurt JJ more than the possible broken rib.

When they got to The Wreck, Mr. Carerra waved them to the back where the rest of their friends sat. It felt the most normal JJ had felt in a long time like time resets itself when the five of them sit around a wooden table eating ice cream.

He tried to focus on the conversation, on the light music being played through the restaurant, on the crickets outside, anything to ground him to this moment.

“JJ?” John B asked from across the table.

“Hey,” June said a little louder, hitting his stomach to get his attention. He winced slightly before responding, “huh? Sorry. I was, uh, trying to figure out what song was playing.”

Pope and Kie share a look before diverting their attention back to John B who repeated his question, “Are you excited to figure out your soulmate?”

“Oh,” JJ laughed, “yeah. Thrilled.”

“Come on, it’s kind of exciting. You’ve gotta admit that.”

“Yeah, I guess.” His eyes scan the table, stopping at each of his friends. Truthfully, he doesn’t want anything to change. He’d trade a soulmate for his friends any day. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

When Kie's dad finally kicks them out of the restaurant, he makes her stay behind to clean the tables. They all offer to help, but to JJ’s excitement she assures them to go ahead and that she'd meet back up with them in a little. Pope and John B hop in the van and start driving away before the rest of them are even in the parking lot, “See you in ten,” Pope yells from the passenger side.

Once June and JJ are in the car, she makes JJ close her eyes.

“Why?” he questioned.

“Just do it.”

“June, I really-”

“Please?”

He huffed and pulled down his hat to cover his eyes. He could hear her moving around next to him.

“Okay, open.” JJ did as he was told and was presented with a soft gift-wrapped present.

“Happy birthday,” she said sweetly. She was facing him, turned sideways in the driver's seat with her head resting on the chair.

“It’s not my birthday yet.” He said, meeting her eyes.

“I wanted to be first.”

“I told you not to get me anything.”

“I don’t care,” she chuckled.

“June,”

“Take the present, you jerk.”

He pulled back the paper revealing a keychain laid on top of some type of clothes. He held it up to get a better look and realized it was a surfboard with “OBX” written on it like from a tacky souvenir shop, “cute.”

She smiled, “now look at that.”

He lifted the crewneck in his lap, it was a light blue color and had stitching near the colors.

Before he could say anything June interrupted, “Found it in that thrift shop by my house the other day.”

“I love it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes, are you kidding?” He laughed a little, “thank you.”

She smiled again, satisfied with herself before turning forward and starting the car.

JJ messed with the rings on his fingers, examining the bruises that had started to form/

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,”

“Have you… heard anything else? Like your soulmate, I guess.”

He felt her hesitate beside him, “Ya know what nevermind. It’s okay, you’re pretty sure it’s Topper and you really don’t have to tell me anything. It is totally okay. I was just-”

“Nervous?”

He sighs, “yeah.”

She clears her throat, “it’s not scary. At all. It is weird though, weird as hell. I mean it’s almost like if you weren't paying attention, you’d never even notice.”

She had the same far-off look John B got when he talked about this shit. It made him uneasy.

“But to answer your question, I’ve only heard it a few times.”

He nodded his head and mulled over what she said.

When he opened the door to the chateau, he was met by everyone standing in the living room, “happy birthday!”

“You distracted me!” He yelled at June shutting the door.

“It was my job!” she yelled back, “I had to give them time.”

He was laughing at everyone’s stupid party hats and the tray of brownies with sloppy “happy bday J” iced on top with a single lit candle. He made a show of blowing it out and pulled the others into a hug. He pretended to be annoyed at the effort, but deep down he had been so excited.

Later, he tried to etch it into his mind. He wanted to remember tonight as the best birthday he had ever had. He smiled as he fell asleep on a mattress that didn’t tilt to the left anymore in a room that he had made his home.

[jwillowwolf]

Magic and Miracles - Chapter 1

Sanders Sides Big Bang fic, Chapter 1!

< Prologue | Next Chapter | Masterlist

Summary: Roman huffed. “Anyone could have done that.”

“Well, if they knew the spells, then yes,” Logan agreed.

“He’s just jealous of the grand show you made of it,” Remus chuckled.

“I am not jealous.”

“Oh, then why are your eyes so green?”

“They’re naturally this colour, idiot.”

“Ah, but not in such a poisonous shade.”

Warning/s: food mention, fantasy racism.

Characters: Logan, Emile, Remy, OCs, Virgil, Roman, Remus, Patton, Janus.

Read on AO3

1 | A Whole New World

Logan had been figuratively buzzing with anticipation ever since Mr Ainmosni had come to the bakery and offered him the chance of a lifetime. Now, one week later, he was about to be picked up for his first day of school. Everleigh had come around to see him off, and Emile had made them both pancakes with Crofters jam for breakfast.

“Do you think you’ll get to meet the prince?” Everleigh asked during their meal.

Logan shrugged. “Probably not. He’s never shown his face in public since he was a kid, after all.”

“Why though.” Everleigh wondered. “He’s the crown prince after all. Aren’t princes supposed to be big public figures or something?”

“Perhaps he hides his identity for the sake of protection. Again, he is the crown prince.” Logan pointed out.

“I guess you have a point there. Ooh, you are going to get to meet some nobles though.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“You’re the first non-noble to qualify for a magic license, so your classmates must be from the nobility.”

“Hmm, that seems most logical. Though I will meet and study with them, I doubt we’ll become friends.”

“Again with the selling-yourself-short! You’re awesome Lo, anyone, noble or otherwise, would be lucky to befriend you. Just don’t go getting yourself a new best friend, okay?”

“I’d never dream of it. But if I’m going to be spending so much time studying, then I hope you’ll consider finding yourself more friends.”

“I’ve got a library full of books, I don’t need more friends than that.”

“Ev…”

“Okay, I’ll socialise, if you do the same on your end.”

“I still don’t think anything will come of it, but I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to try.”

“Hey, kiddo, did you make sure to pack enough underwear?”

“Dad!” Logan exclaimed in embarrassment while Everleigh snickered at the question.

“I’m being serious, Logan. You don’t want to run out.”

“I am positive that I’ve packed everything I’m going to need.”

“Even your-”

“Yes.”

“I didn’t finish my sentence.”

“I’ve packed clothes, books, hygiene products, spare clothes, and a spare binder.”

“Okay. Don’t forget to take a break from binding every few hours. If I hear anything about you neglecting to do so, then make no mistakes I’ll march over there myself to see that you do.”

“I know. I can take care of myself dad.”

Everleigh snorted. “If it weren’t for us, you’d have probably worked yourself to death.”

Logan looked at her with a you-are-not-helping expression, then turned back to his dad. “I’ll be fine. Besides, Mr Ainmosni is going to be taking care of us.”

Emile frowned. “I don’t doubt that Remy is a good teacher if he’s been put in charge of this, but I feel that he’s not completely… responsible.”

“He definitely fancies you if the constant flirting was any indication,” Everleigh teased.

Logan snickered. “Yeah, you went red as a tomato.”

“Oh shush,” Emile scolded, blushing at even the memory.

“I’ll be okay though, you really don’t have to worry.”

“You know I will either way, but I am proud of you. It feels like just yesterday you two were tiny tots running around the bakery. Now, look at you! A library apprentice and a wizard in training.”

“We have come a pretty long way, haven’t we,” Logan smiled.

Everleigh laughed. “I don’t think I’m anywhere near as accomplished as you.”

“I wouldn’t be where I am without you. How else could I have studied those library books for countless hours without you making sure to keep tabs on them.”

“It’s not like I had much to worry about when you read at the speed of light.”

“I’m going to miss studying there.”

“Well, you’re always welcome to stop by. It’s not like you’re going to the next town over or anything.”

“I suppose. Though I really won’t be able to spend as much time there as before.”

“Don’t go getting homesick already, Lo. I already miss you, but this isn’t a goodbye.”

“Definitely not. I’ll probably visit this weekend.”

“Then I’ll be here Saturday morning to hear all about what you’ve done.”

Logan nodded. He was glad that they would stay friends, even if they could only see each other on weekends. He’d known Everleigh since they were babies after all. Not having her around would be weird.

The bell above the shop door rang and the trio in the kitchen heard Remy call. “I have arrived!”

They went to the bakery and saw Remy standing there in the same outfit as before, however this time he had a strange flask in his hand.

Emile frowned. “What’s that?”

“Midnight elixir. My own special concoction. It’s a touch bitter but really helps if you need an energy boost. Want a try?”

“Oh, uh, no thank you.”

“Woah, are you guys riding in that?” Everleigh gasped when she saw the carriage parked outside.

It was a standard chestnut brown box carriage with white swirls and spirals decorating it all around, and a pair of beautiful cream coloured horses pulling it.

“Yep. Ready to go, Logan?”

Logan nodded. “I just need to grab my bag from upstairs.”

He quickly went and got his suitcase then paused a moment to look around his room. He wouldn’t see it again for a while. Honestly, he’d never been away from home for longer than an overnight stay at Everleigh’s house. The reality of leaving everything he knew behind was both exciting and frightening. He truly didn’t know what to expect at this magic school apart from that he’d learn magic. This was a huge step to take and he wasn’t entirely sure of his readiness anymore.

But when he got downstairs and saw his dad and Everleigh’s proud expressions, he knew that there was no turning back now. He had a goal after all, and this was going to help him achieve it. He wouldn’t freeze up and disappoint them now.

Farewell wishes and goodbye hugs were quickly exchanged, then Logan and Remy got into the carriage and were off. Logan looked out the back window as they drove away from the bakery, out of town, and to the location of the Srednas Magic School.

“Mr Ainmosni-”

“Just Remy, kid.”

“Remy, where exactly is the school?”

“The school is, for now, the Srednas Manor. The Prince wants to have a proper school built, but this first class is only the test run, so to speak.”

“Test run?”

“The council wants to be sure that a school would be a successful idea before the Prince can order a real one to be made.”

Logan nodded. “I suppose that’s why it’s not publicly known.”

“Yeah, getting ideas through the council is a pain, even for royalty. I’m surprised they let you obtain a learners license without too much fuss. Though you should be cautious about any interactions with Councillor Allen. He was not happy when he heard the Prince invited you to his school,” Remy chuckled.

“He wouldn’t really be able to do anything against me, would he?”

“With how you won the favour of his highness and Lady Silvia, not a chance. But you will need to be careful. Now that you’re practising magic, you will be interacting with nobility, and any mistakes made in their world can mean an end to your reputation and career.”

“I don’t know if I would do much socialising.”

“Kid, you are the first-ever wizard to come from a commonwealth household. Nobles are going to find a way to meet you and they’ll either see you as an opportunity or an opponent.”

“Opportunity?”

“You already caught the notice of the Crown Prince. They’ll want to take advantage of that. And at the same time, they might see that as a problem since you’re getting his attention over them.”

“I’ve never even met him.”

“They won’t care. They may even believe you have anyway.”

Logan frowned. “This is going to be harder than I thought.”

Remy nodded. “Yeah, but if you need anything then you can just ask.”

“Does social standing fall under your teaching duties?”

“Nope. But I don’t mind helping people, and honestly, I think that you have something… special. You’re forging a path for others who may want to learn magic themselves. I think that’s worth investing in.”

“So, this isn’t for anything like points with my dad?”

Remy laughed. “While that seems like a benefit, I truly didn’t think of it before you said something.”

Shortly after that conversation, the carriage came to the silver gates of the Srednas Estate. The driveway was paved with white stones and went all the way up to the large manor house which was built of brilliant dark wood and stone bricks. It looked to Logan like a small castle, with even a tower on the left side that stretched high above even the forest trees.

The carriage stopped just outside of the enormous front door, and Logan found himself staring up in awe as he followed Remy out.

“Well, I believe we are the last to arrive. Follow me to the classroom. The others should be waiting there for us.”

Logan followed Remy down the halls. When they finally arrived at their destination, Logan noted that there were seven small desks set in a sort of semi-circle. They were all facing one large desk with a big chalkboard behind it. As Remy had predicted, the other six students already occupied the room.

Two elves were sitting together by the two desks far left, talking about something animatedly to one another. They looked similar, with broad shoulders, long dark curly hair, and almond tanned skin. Their eyes however set them apart from one another, the one on the left having bright green eyes while the others were deep red.

Sitting on the desk of the red-eyed elf was a water sprite with a kind smile. He had a petit build, bright brown eyes and messy blonde hair with small variously coloured flowers braided in. His skin was a peachy hue apart from the blue-green splotches that identified them as being a sprite.

Standing by one of the large windows in the back of the room were two students. One a demi-wolf, the other a Dragonborn. The Dragonborn stood with an air of confidence and superiority. Paired with the scales that covered the right half of their face, they seemed quite intimidating. Their eyes were mismatched, the left one a normal brown while the right one was bright yellow with a black slitted pupil. Their blonde hair was nearly completely hidden by their ivy cap.

In comparison, their demi-human companion seemed rather timid or perhaps on edge, if their body language was anything to go by. Their tail hung low, slowly swinging side to side, and their wolf ears were focused forward, listening intently to the Dragonborn’s words, while their deep brown eyes glanced routinely around the room and out the window.

On the other side of the room, by a bookshelf full of large tomes, stood the last student. He was slender and pale, with black hair that faded into dark purple and hung slightly in his stormy grey eyes. He was leaning with his back against the shelves, eyes focused on the pages of the book in his hands, at least until Remy and Logan had entered. At that moment, the boy looked up through his fringe and focused his stormy eyes on Logan.

For a moment Logan felt frozen. Those eyes seemed to be reading him like a book. Searching his very soul for… something. But the feeling only lasted a moment as the boy looked back down at his book with a thoughtful frown. How peculiar.

“Okay, everyone, take a seat. Preferably at the provided chairs.” Remy said as he turned to take his own seat behind the large desk facing the semi-circle.

The sprite hopped off the elf’s desk and sat at the desk beside them. The Dragonborn took the next seat, and the demi-wolf sat beside them. The boy at the bookshelf returned his book to its place then sat at the desk on the far right. Leaving a seat for Logan between the boy and the demi-human, which he promptly took.

“Alright, class. I don’t expect you to become best friends or anything, but we are a small group so I hope you will at the very least get along with each other. For that, you’ll probably need to know each other, so we’re going to go around and introduce ourselves. I’ll start. I’m your teacher, Remy Ainmosni, my pronouns are he/him, and don’t worry this is not alcohol,” Remy said as he gestured to his flask. “Who wants to go next?”

“Oh, me!” The sprite said excitedly, jumping up. “Hi, I’m Patton Lilyhart, I use he/him, and I’m excited to get to know you all.”

Remy nodded. “I like the energy. Who wants to continue?”

“I shall.” The green-eyed elf declared, standing up from his seat with a confidant and regal air. “My name is Roman Elvar Goldheart Arthur Leafstone, and my pronouns are he/him. I am the eldest son of Lady Leafstone and heir of the Lyrecrest Ilse.”

“An impressive introduction, Roman, but next time you can just say your name is Roman Leafstone, we don’t need your full given name,” Remy commented, then gestured to the other elf. “Your turn.”

The red-eyed elf stood, though she held herself with a more casual air and wrapped an arm around Roman’s shoulders. “Sup, I’m Remus, he/him or she/her, and this is my less-handsome twin.”

“You’re wrinkling my cape,” Roman complained, only to have Remus stick out her tongue at him.

Remy nodded with an amused smile. “Okay, snake eye, you’re up.”

“I am not a snake,” the not-half-snake hissed. “My name is Janus Embyrn, they/them, and I am a Dragonborn.”

“Good for you, snake eye. What about you, Wolfie?” Remy asked, completely ignoring the fiery rage burning in Janus’s eyes.

“My name is Willow, um, Redrunner.”

“Are you sure?” Remus asked. “Cause you don’t seem so confident about that.”

Willow shuffled nervously in their seat. “I- well… you see- uh-”

“Demi-humans don’t use last names,” Logan declared.

Willow nodded gratefully at him. “Yeah, but if needed then we use the name of our pack. I hail from the Redrunner pack and use she/they pronouns.”

Remy nodded then turned his attention to Logan and the stormy eyed boy. “Okay, which of you two wants to go?”

“I’m Virgil Tempest, he/him,” the boy declared.

They all waited a moment for him to say more, but he simply gestured for Logan to go. Logan made a mental note of that and then cleared his throat.

“My name is Logan Picani and I also use he/him pronouns.”

Patton gasped. “Oh my gosh, you’re the star guy! Right?”

“If you are referring to the spells I cast at the license test, then yes that is me.”

Roman huffed. “Anyone could have done that.”

“Well, if they knew the spells, then yes,” Logan agreed.

“He’s just jealous of the grand show you made of it,” Remus chuckled.

“I am not jealous.”

“Oh, then why are your eyes so green?”

“They’re naturally this colour, idiot.”

“Ah, but not in such a poisonous shade.”

“Let’s not fight,” Patton intervened. “You did very well on your presentation Roman.”

“Thank you, Pat, but I am still not and have never been jealous. Especially of a human.”

“Watch your words, elf,” Janus growled. “You wouldn’t want us to think you’re racist.”

Roman glared darkly at them but was interrupted by Remy before he could reply. “Never mind presentations, and races, and titles, none of those things matter here so there’s no need to discuss them. All of you were chosen with equal faith in your abilities as competent mages who could better the kingdom. I hope you can appreciate this opportunity and act civil with each other for the duration of your time here.”

Everyone was silent but Logan could practically see sparks of violent tension between Roman and Janus. They were going to be a problem for each other but with any luck, they wouldn’t pull the rest of the class down with them. Logan doubted he had that much luck, but he hoped anyway.

“Now, the rules are as follows,” Remy continued, ignoring the tense atmosphere. “Firstly, you are to stay on school grounds, unless permitted by myself to leave. Secondly, lessons will take place in the late morning and early afternoon, whatever you do outside of that time is up to you. So long as it doesn’t interfere with classes then I don’t care what you do. You’re old enough to watch yourselves, and I am not a babysitter, so I expect you to keep out of trouble for the most part. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner will be served in the dining hall, food is allowed outside of these hours, but not permitted inside of your rooms. Speaking of your rooms, you may decorate them as you like, but please remember to keep them moderately tidy as the cleaning staff will only come through once a week-”

“Once a week?”

“That’s what I said, Roman.”

“Do you expect our beds to go unmade for that long?”

Remy shrugged. “I would hope you could at least do that for yourselves. You’re not infants after all.”

Roman opened his mouth to protest further but was cut off by Janus. “What food is to be served, exactly?”

“Not sure. You can inquire with the chef for a menu and tell them of any dietary requirements too. If and when you interact with the estate staff, I expect you to be polite and respectful towards them. Any questions?”

“Can we explore the garden?” Patton asked.

Remy smiled. “Yes. The estate is yours to explore, apart from the tower.”

Remus’s eyes shone with curiosity. “What’s in the tower?”

“Nothing you need to concern yourself with. If that’s all, then I think I ought to show you all to your rooms to get yourselves settled in.”

Remy got up and walked to the door, not waiting to see if anyone followed him. Roman rose in a dignified manner and went after him with Remus walking beside him. Patton practically skipped behind them and Janus followed with their own nonchalant air and Willow beside them. Virgil got up too and looked over to Logan for a split second, almost like he wanted to say something, but decided against it.

It was barely the beginning of his first day and Logan already felt that this was going to be a stressful time. He really had no idea how he was going to navigate interacting with all these people. He didn’t have to do that when he was independently studying before. By accepting this chance he was entering a whole new world.

And he was more than ready to conquer it.

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Jintian

Jintian has 21 X-Files stories at AO3 all posted during the original run of the show and all fics you should read if you like beautiful words and lovely character insights (and you do!). I've recced some of my favorites here before, including Argus, Diving, God's Breath, and Seven Days. Big thanks to Jintian for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

Many authors from the original run still loom large in my mind, so I'm glad to hear it. The show had great production values and cinematography and iconic characters, and I think that level of quality was reflected in fanworks. Good writing is good writing no matter how old. For myself, I'm happy if anything I made still resonates with people. What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

Just doing the math, I first discovered XF over half my lifetime ago. I was a sheltered introverted young'un. Online fandom introduced me to a diversity of people and perspectives I couldn't have found in my "real" life at the time. I'm especially grateful for the wisdom of women who, over the years, advised or supported me or simply led by example – not only with writing, but with everything from relationships to job interviews to finances. And I love that in so many places I've lived or traveled, I've been able to meet someone local who already feels like a friend.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)? The Scullyfic mailing list, ATXC, and archives were my main venues. Scullyfic was such a well-run group, with structured discussion topics, post-episode commentary, and writing challenges.

Also, an image comes to mind: for some reason my dad put our computer in the garage, where we had a fan but no air conditioning, and we lived in the US southeast which feels like the armpit of hell in the summertime. I'd sit in that sweltering muggy heat for hours getting my fandom fix. And the only way to connect to the internet was via landline, which I couldn't tie up during the day, so that meant a lot of late nights as well. My fandom equivalent of trudging miles uphill in the snow?

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general? With regard to fanfic, I learned how to receive and give constructive criticism, before and after posting. Even if it was "just" fanfic, most everyone wanted to improve their writing. I think that was a good mindset for me to cultivate, personally and professionally.

With regard to fandom, I learned how to be an active and analytical consumer, and that there can be many (many!) interpretations of a text. What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show? The fanfic, actually. Somehow in my internet wanderings, I stumbled across Gossamer. Dawson Rambo's casefiles were also early finds. Curiosity about the characters drove me to check out the show.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

As far as writing my own, I had an image in my head which I jotted down, and over several months I kept adding to it – mostly navel-gazing, not much plot. The resulting story was a hodgepodge of different POVs and different tenses. *facepalm* But I received some lovely feedback, and I felt very welcomed. For me the XF community, with everyone's creativity and dedication, was just as inspiring and motivating for fanfic as the show.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

I think of it like school. I learned a lot, I graduated, and now it's primarily occupied by a new generation. Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

If XF was like university, then afterward was like graduate school. Sophiahelix and I started a multi-fandom mailing list called Glass Onion and met lots of folks. Livejournal/Dreamwidth became big public platforms which enabled tons of cross-fandom links, recs, and discussions – and sometimes clashes. Although it wasn't as intensely formative for me as XF, I realized that fandom in general has had an undeniable impact on my life. [Lilydale note: That’s a link to a wonderful little essay Jintian wrote about fandom.]

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why? I love the sneak attackers, the ones who seem unassuming or perhaps disadvantaged, but they're actually out here killing the game. Dana Scully was a small-statured person who had to move the driver's seat to reach the pedals – like me – but she was an FBI agent, medical doctor, and forensic pathologist – unlike me, but goals. Other similar faves are Toph Beifong (Avatar: The Last Airbender), Mat Cauthon (Wheel of Time), and Jang Geurae (Misaeng). Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully? Several years ago I had the notion to introduce my husband to the show, and it was totally enjoyable and could stand up with shows airing today. (Husband queried: "What is the deal with Mulder? He should have been fired 19 times already." We were in Season 2.)

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

No XF lately, but I'll check AO3 whenever I encounter a shiny new ship. Reading fic is my only fannish activity these days, so I stay happy and conflict-free.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors? It's been ages, but today I'm thinking of torch, Jane St Clair, Jordan, RivkaT, MustangSally, Khyber, nevdull, Justin Glasser, Vehemently, Nascent... On any other day it could be a whole different list. The fandom was so rich and deep in writers. What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

My XF stuff was kind of all over the place. I experimented a lot, with mixed results. I guess I'm glad about some of the subject matter I tackled, like Scully's trauma and post-abduction state of mind (and body) in Loss of Yesterday, and the thematically similar Longer Gone, which explored Samantha.

What's the story behind your pen name? Jintian means "today" in Mandarin Chinese. I was feeling existential. 🤷‍♀️

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions? I've only ever told an ex and my husband. They were allowed to read one story – which I chose. They thought it was cool, I guess. I can't remember clearly because I had my fingers stuck in my ears going "lalalala!"

However, I can always count on my husband to say something savagely funny about fandom mess, so I just try to curate his exposure. For instance, he could recap the Msscribe saga but couldn't tell you any of my usernames. He's also met a number of my fannish friends so he knows how we get, hah.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

AO3 Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

As I'm writing this, the world is grappling with COVID-19. I'm wishing everyone safety and health, both physical and mental. If fandom provides a positive escape, embrace and enjoy it!

(Posted by Lilydale on October 6, 2020)

[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Twenty-Four

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

Warnings: Smut

Masterpost (all previous parts can be found in the masterpost)

It felt good to get back to work. Getting back into your routine was good for you. A coffee was waiting for you on your desk, and you smiled. You loved that you and Niall kept up the tradition of bringing each other coffee. As you sat at your desk, you emailed your supervisor the video you worked on, on Friday. You got to work on photo-shopping some photos that were sitting in your inbox. After a couple of hours, you had a question about a deadline, so you went down to Niall’s office. He had his eyebrows furrowed at his screen when you knocked.

“Hey!” He said, perking up.

“Morning. I have a quick question about the McGrath project.”

“Sure thing, what’s up?”

“When exactly do they need things by? Seems like they’re looking for a tight turnaround on a lot of work.”

“Think you’ll need the intern’s help on this one?”

“Yeah, if he could work on the audio files for me, just clean them up, it’ll make it easier for me to edit in with the visuals.”

“Alright, I’ll get him on it. I’ll send him a message on Teams to go see you this afternoon when he’s in.”

“Thanks. Did you have a good long weekend?”

“Yeah, although, I’m happy to be back at work.”

“Same here.” You sit down in front of his desk. “Did you like Sarah’s family?”

“They were great, little awkward at first, but not too bad. Did ya happen to bring my dessert?” You giggle.

“Yes, it’s in the breakroom fridge with your name on it, so no one will touch it.”

“Oh thank god, I’ve been dreamin’ of it, thank you.” He looks down, then looks back at you. “So, how was your Thanksgiving?”

“It went way smoother than I thought. My dad was great with Harry, and so was the rest of the family. He’s even going to be taking some pictures of my nephew on in a couple of weeks.”

“Really?” Niall wasn’t sure if you’d tell him about the fight you had with Harry, so he wasn’t going to pry.

“Yeah, my sister-in-law asked him. She said she looked at his Instagram page and loved his work. Oh! And he asked me to go home with him for Christmas. We booked our flights last night, I put in for my vacation time this morning. I’m so excited.”

“Wow, that’s great. Guess we’ll all be on the plane together.”

“I can’t wait to meet his mom and sister.”

“They’re very nice people.”

“Do you think they’ll like me?”

“They’ll love you. So, is that all that happened?” You raise an eyebrow at him, then your mouth falls open. 

“He told you, didn’t he?” Niall just looks at you and nods. “Jesus Christ, you know, it’s like he’s a kid running off to daddy whenever something goes wrong.”

“I’m his best mate, (y/n), of course he was going to come to me.”

“So what, you just give advice on how to deal with me?” You gasp. “Were the flowers your idea?”

“No, he did that on his own.” He sighs. “He just wanted to show you he was sorry. Don’t worry, though I yelled at him.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, I was pissed when he told me what he said to ya. I nearly hit him.”

“You did not.”

“I did! I threatened him for sure. I thought he was going to throw up, he felt terrible.”

“I forgave him.”

“He told me.”

“My Nannie found out about what happened.” You say looking down.

“You told her?!”

“I had no choice! My fucking mom brought it up basically right in front of her.”

“Why’d she do that?”

“I can’t even get into the stupidity that is my mother right now. But I’m glad I told her, she gave me some advice on some other things too.”

“Well, that’s good.”

“I’m seeing them tonight. Harry’s gonna pick me up here, and then we’re driving home to have dinner. I’m hoping to just go out with my Nannie, he said he’d distract my mom.”

“What about your sister?”

“I’m praying she’ll just stay in the basement.”

“So is everything all good with you and Harry now?”

“Yeah, we made up.” You blush. “Well, I better get back to work.”

“Lunch later?”

“You bet!”

//

Around two in the afternoon, your intern showed up.

“Hey, Matt, how were your classes this morning?” You smiled at him as he set his laptop up at the other side of your desk.

“Good, much rather be here though. How was your morning?”

“Productive. Did Niall tell you what I need from you?”

“Yup.” He takes out his headphones and plugs them into his laptop. “You need me to clean up the audio for that project.”

“Yes, it’s a little too fuzzy. I don’t know what equipment was used to record it, but it sounded terrible. Guess if you want something done right you have to do it yourself.” You scoff.

The two of you work together the rest of the afternoon. He moved to sit next to you so you could compare clips. He was leaned in pretty close to you, but you didn’t think much of it. The time got away from you, you didn’t realize it was ten of five.

Harry decided to come into your office to pick you up. He wanted to say hi to Niall. The two of them were walking down to your office, both of them stopping short when they saw you giggling with Matt. Harry cleared his throat, breaking you from your giggles.

“Harry!” You beamed. You look down at the time. “Shit, I didn’t realize it was so late. Matt, you’re good to go for the day, sorry to have kept you. Great work today.” You smile at him. His face flushes a bit.

“Um, thanks. I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to help with this project some more.”

“Sounds good. I have some meetings in the afternoon, but you can feel free to work in here.”

“Alright, thanks.” He grabs his things and looks at Niall. “Good evening Mr. Horan.”

“Matt.” He nods.

Harry eyes the boy who simply smiles at him nervously.

“Niall, Matt is crazy talented. We were already to combine the clips.”

“That’s great. The sooner this project is done, the better. I hate workin’ with these people.”

“Same, they’re too picky.” You grab your things, and give Harry a kiss on the cheek.

“So, who was that kid?”

“His name is Matt, he’s our media intern.” You say. “He comes in a few times a week.”

“Does he mostly work with you?”

“Yup, and with the people on our social media team.”

“Whatsa matter Harry, ya jealous of a little boy?” Niall teases as you all walk out to the parking lot.

“Shut up, ya twat.” Niall laughs.

“You guys have fun tonight.”

You both get into Harry’s car.

“How was your day, baby?”

“Good, actually. Got caught up on some stuff I needed to get done.”

“That’s good. Hey do you think we could stop at a Walmart or something on the way home tonight? I printed a picture for my desk that I want to get a frame for.”

“Sure, we can do tha’. What picture ya print?”

“Just one of my baby.” You poke his dimple.

“Just one of me, not the two of us?”

“I don’t need to look at a picture of myself all day.”

“Which one was it?”

“The one where you look like a model, from our weekend trip.” He takes your hand and kisses it.

There wasn’t any traffic, surprisingly, so you get home in about forty-five minutes. Harry preoccupies your mom, so you’re able to take your Nannie out for dinner. This was the first time you drove Harry’s car, it felt great. You and Nannie had a wonderful dinner together. You laughed so hard your water came out your nose. She’s not supposed to have dairy, but she did, so when she belched at the table you lost it. It felt like old times with her.

When you got back to your mom’s, Harry was hanging out in the kitchen with your mom and…oh no.

“Glad I could finally meet your boyfriend.” Your oldest sister, Bridget, says to you.

“Oh, yeah, well if you had been at Thanksgiving, you could’ve met him then.” You give her a small side hug.

“I was there, you just got there late.”

“Okay, well, we need to head back before it gets super late.” You give your Nannie another hug and kiss, and say goodbye to your mom.

The car ride was quiet at first. You teared up a bit after saying goodbye again, but you felt better than yesterday.

“So, how was dinner?” he finally asks.

“It was great! I laughed so hard my water came out of my nose.” You giggle.

“Really? Wish I could’ve seen that.”

“Um, how long was Bridget around?”

“Only a few minutes. Your mum made me this big salad, it was delicious.”

“She’s good at whipping up a salad.”

“Bridget is…interesting.”

“That’s one way to describe her. She’s so awkward, isn’t she?”

“A little, yeah. More like socially awkward?”

“Yup, that’s it exactly. Thanks again for doing this tonight. I feel much better.”

You and Harry stop off at Walmart so you can grab your frame, and then go back to your apartment. You both were exhausted by the time you got back that you both went straight to bed. The next morning, you got up and did your thing, leaving him dead asleep. You kiss his forehead before you go.

//

You set up the picture of him on your desk. It distracts you most of the day, how could one man be so beautiful? You go to your meetings, and Matt is at your desk when you come back.

“Hey Matt.” You smile, sitting down.

“Afternoon. How were your meetings?”

“Tiring.” You sigh. “Sometimes things could easily be solved with a quick email. You’ll learn that soon enough.”

“So that guy yesterday with Mr. Horan”, he points to the picture of Harry on your desk, “was that your boyfriend?”

“Hm? Yeah, his name is Harry.” You look at the photo and smile. “Niall actually set us up a few months ago.”

“No offense, but he’s not the guy I’d picture you with. He looked a little scary.” You laugh.

“Oh god, he wouldn’t hurt a fly. He actually cleans up pretty well. He works at a more casual place so he doesn’t have to be dressed up like us.”

“Lotta tattoos.”

“Yup. He’s so great, never thought I’d be with someone so great.” You smile at him. “You don’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend?” He laughs nervously.

“Not at the moment, and it would be a girlfriend.”

“I didn’t want to assume.”

“No, no, I get it. I sort of just date around. Relationships are complicated in college.”

“Oh believe me, I remember. I’m only a couple years older than you.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot.” He smiles. “When did you graduate?”

“2017.” You clear your throat and look back at your computer to keep working.

“Wow, really close in age.” He says looking back at his laptop. “I turn twenty-one soon.”

“Oh!” You say looking at him. “That’s exciting! When?”

“Next month.” He looks at you with a grin. “Any good bars you’d recommend?”

“Well, if you’re hoping to do something fun with your friends, I would just go to Pinz. There’s so much to do there.”

“Oh yeah! I’ve been there before, but they kick you out early if you’re underage.” He laughs. “But I’ll definitely ask my friends if they wanna go. Thanks for the suggestion.”

“You’re welcome.”

The time got away from the two of you again, diligently working on your tedious project, taking small breaks to chat and tell stories from your days in college. Matt was a good kid, it was nice that you were sort of mentoring him. You two were laughing about something when you heard a knock on the opening of your door. It was Harry again, who was holding a small plant. He was also dressed nicely in his khakis and a button up.

“What’s all this?” You ask excitedly, getting up to greet him. Matt watches you walk over to him.

“Thought I’d surprise ya.” He kisses you on the cheek. “You don’t have any plants in your office, thought you could use one. They’re supposed to help brighten your day.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet!” You hug him. Matt makes a coughing noise. “Sorry, Matt, forgot you were here for a second.” You blush, and look down at your watch. It was just about five. “Save up your work for the day and feel free to head out. I’m definitely done for the day. Great work this afternoon.” You smile at him going back to your desk to power down your computer. Matt can’t help but glance at your butt as you lean over your keyboard. You were wearing your navy dress that no man would be immune to.

“Could you sign this? My advisor wanted to make sure I’m actually showing up for my internship.” He hands you a slip of paper. You read it over then sign.

“Here ya go.” You pack up your things as he closes his laptop. Harry watching him carefully from the doorway. Ready to throttle him if he checks you out again.

“Oi, look what the cat dragged in.” Niall says, passing your office. “Back again?”

“Suprisin’ my girl with a nice dinner.”

“How romantic.” He rolls his eyes. “Come to think of it, I’m actually doin’ the same with Sarah tonight.”

“Aw, the two best boyfriends in the world.” You say putting your jacket on. “Well, goodnight Matt.”

“Night, thanks for another great afternoon.” He smiles. He looks at Niall and Harry who both have their arms crossed. “Um, gentlemen.” Both nod at him, and watch him leave.

“Jesus, (y/n), he’s got it bad for you.” Niall says.

“Stop, he does not.”

“I have to agree with Niall, he was checkin’ ya out, babe.”

“What? When?” You all start walking out of the building, toward the parking lot.

“When you stuck your ass in his face.” Harry says cheekily.

“I did not do that!” You scoff. “He’s a nice boy, and he does great work.”

“It’s true, he’s talented.” Niall starts laughing. “But he definitely has a crush on you. He was in the break room the other day with some of the older ladies, and apparently he went on about how great you are.”

“He did not.”

“He did!”

“Shit, should I talk to him? Hopefully he got the hint today, I practically doted on Harry in front of him.”

“You did?” Harry smiles.

“Yeah, he asked if you were my boyfriend, and I said yes and told him how great you were.” You start laughing. “I also think he’s a bit scared of you.”

“Good.” Niall and Harry say in unison. You swat an arm at the both of them.

//

Harry had taken an uber to your office so you could take your car. He didn’t let you drive though.

“So where exactly are you taking me?”

“Just to a simple restaurant.”

“Okay, but tomorrow we’re cooking.”

“Already got groceries for that. Went shoppin’ at lunch today.” You lean across to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“My sweetie.” You coo.

Harry took you to a nice little vegetarian restaurant. You both had a quick veggie burger. You let him pay since it was all part of a surprise evening.

You kicked your shoes off when you got inside, and hung up your coat. You plop down on the couch, and turn the TV on. Harry sits next to you and mindlessly takes your hand in his.

“You good with The Office?”

“You bet.” He smiles at you. You both put your feet up on the coffee table.

“So, what made you wanna surprise me tonight?”

“Don’t know.” He shrugs. “Thought about ya all day. I really need to get my ass outta bed in the morin’ to give ya a proper goodbye.”

“Oh, but you’re so cute when you’re sleepy. I love giving you a little kiss goodbye.” You lean next to him. He puts his arm around your shoulders, and you lean in further. You put a hand on his thigh.

You loved moments like this, these simply domestic times where you just enjoyed each other’s company. It was nice having someone to binge watch TV with. You got to the dinner party episode of The Office. When Michael says, “You know I have sensitive teeth, how could say that?” You completely lose it. You have to pause the episode because you’re laughing so hard. You start crying from laughter. Harry starts laughing at your infectious laugh.

“Was it really that funny?”

“Yes! I forgot, hahahaha, I forgot he said that!” You can barely breathe. “God, this episode is incredible.” You wipe your eyes. Harry giggles at you.

“I think someone might be tired.”

“I think you’re right.” You sigh. “Shall we?” You stand up and take his hand.

You both brush your teeth and wash your faces, a habit you had gotten Harry into. He used to only washed his face in the shower, you showed him the error of his ways.

“Baby, could you unzip me please?” You ask as he’s just taking off his shirt.

“Sure thing, love.”

Harry comes up behind you and unzips your dress. You reach behind yourself and unhook your bra immediately. Sighing at the relief from the tight material. You push the top of your dress down, Harry peels your bra off the rest of the way, looking at your back.

“Jesus.” He says, tracing over the red marks on your back. “No wonder you hate wearin’ these things.”

“I just need to buy some new ones.” You walk over to your dresser, half dressed. “Maybe you could come to the mall with me this weekend?”

“Sure.” He stifles a laugh. You put your hands on your hips.

“What?”

“Nothing, you just look cute like that.” You look down at yourself and start laughing.

You slide your dress the rest of the way down and put it in your hamper. You slip a t-shirt on over yourself, and slide your panties off, sighing again.

“Why didn’t you change when we got home? You could’ve been way more comfy.” Harry says taking his pants off.

“I’m just so lazy, it’s too much work to change sometimes.” He rolls his eyes playfully at you.

You both get into bed, it was only a little after nine, so you both stay up a while longer. Harry takes out his book from the night table he used on “his” side of the bed. You scroll on your phone. He took out his reading glasses as well. You secretly loved when he’d wear them. It wasn’t often.

“Is that a good book babe?”

“Hm?” He says taking his glasses off to look at you. “Oh, yeah it is.”

“What’s it about?”

“Nothin’ special, just a romance novel.” You try not to laugh. You didn’t want to make fun of the things he liked. “I know, it’s silly, but I like them. I don’t have to think too much while I read ‘em, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that. I like to read on my phone, really tires my eyes out.”

“I try not to screen before bed if I can help it.”

“You’re better than I am. I literally need my phone to fall asleep.”

“Well, s’not the only thing that makes you sleepy.” He smirks at you. “I can think of another thing that really tuckers you out.” You put your phone on your night table.

“What’s that?” You ask, knowing full well what the answer is.

Harry leans in close to you, giving you a deep kiss. You moan as his tongue enters your mouth, tasting the mint from your toothpaste. Your hands move to pull him on top of you, wanting to feel his full weight on you. One of his hands goes into your hair, and the other to your hip. Your hands are on his lower back while your legs wrap around him. He bit down on your bottom lip, and sucked on it, causing you to moan again. The hand on your hip goes up under your shirt, and grips your full breast. His fingers twist your nipple piercing. You groan into his mouth, your lips moving to nip at his jaw and neck.

“Go ahead, bite me baby.” He says into your ear.

You sink your teeth into his tender skin, and he rolls his hips into you. You suck on him slowly, sliding your tongue over his skin to soothe him the second you taste a little of his blood.

“God, that feels so fuckin’ good.” He growls.

Harry lifts your shirt up over your head, and dives his head into your breasts. He leaves wet kisses on both, before taking your left nipple between his teeth. You arch up into him, loving the way the sensation feels.

“Harry.” You moan.

“Bet you could come, just for me doin’ this.”

“Fuck.” He sucks on you harder.

“But I don’t feel like gettin’ ya off that easy.” He reaches down between your legs and smirks. “Always so wet for me, love.” He looks at you. “I’d like to have a taste, that alright?” You nod your head yes. “Like to try it a little differently, could we do that?”

“How, um, shit, how do you want to um…” You can barely get a word out while he plays with your clit.

“Well, I’d like you to flip over, so I can do it from behind.” You sit up against the headboard and give him a look. “What just happened?”

“I don’t know if I want my ass in your face like that.”

“It’ll be just like when we-“

“No, it’s different. I mean, what if you accidentally lick my asshole or something?” He just blinks at you as his cheeks grow red. “That wouldn’t gross you out?!”

“Not really, you’re a pretty clean girl. You shower every chance you get.” He chuckles. “Sometimes things happen in the heat of the moment. I’d lick ya anywhere you wanted.” Now your cheeks are growing red. “But if it makes you uncomfortable…”

“Why do you want to do it that way?”

“Well, to get ya feelin’ real good, and then I’d like to slip my fingers in from behind.” Your eyes grow wide.

“Oh, I see.”

“If you don’t want-“

“Go turn the light off.” He smirks, and does as you say.

Harry comes back from the bed, and waits for your to flip onto your stomach. His hands find your hips, and brings your butt up closer so you’re on your knees and elbows. He gets right behind you and kisses you on each shoulder, biting down hard and sucking the way he likes to do to you. He places light kisses down your back. His hands grip your ass, and you gasp when he bites down on one of your cheeks.

“Alright?”

“Yes.” Your breathing is getting heavy. “Just wasn’t expecting that.”

“Can I do it again? You have such a nice ass.”

“Mhm.”

He bites down on your other cheek and you gasp again. Why did it feel so good? One of his hands reaches around to rub your clit. He takes it away and rubs you from underneath, a finger running up and down your wet slit.

“Harry.” You moan.

“I’m takin’ my time, be patient.”

His hands spread your cheeks apart, then uses his thumbs to spread your lips apart. You feel his tongue dive into you without warning.

“Shit.” You groan.

He licks and sucks on you, drinking in your wetness. He drags his tongue up and down in the most sensual motions.

“Oh, Harry.” You moan, sinking your nails into your pillow.

His groans send vibrations through your body. You push back on his face, making him lick and suck harder. His tongue drags up from your center to just under your button.

“If you do that I swear to god I will not kiss you for a week!” He lifts his head.

Without saying anything, he takes his hand and rubs your wet center and drags a thumb up to bring your wetness to just under where his tongue was previously.

“How ‘bout this?”

“You can rub it, but don’t stick it in.”

He rubs his thumb around your hole and you can’t help but moan. It felt good, in an odd way. You felt his middle finger slide into your dripping pussy. Your back arches.

“Good?”

“Yes, more please.”

He slowly slips a second finger in, feeling you tighten around him. Your walls soft and spongey, making him moan as he starts to pump in and out of you. His other hand reaches around to rub your clit.

“Fuck, Harry.”

“Do you like feelin’ me, so deep?”

“So deep, so good.”

Your legs start to shake, you can barely keep yourself up. You’re panting and moaning his name over and over.

“Go ahead, come for me.”

Your hands rake into your pillow as you release all over his fingers. He wasn’t done with you yet though. Harry sucks off your juices from his fingers, and flips you back over. Without giving you a chance to catch your breath, his mouth is on your clit.

“Fucking Christ!”

His tongue darts back into you as his thumb works your clit. Your hands are in his hair, grabbing on tightly. Harry groans into you repeatedly.

“Harry! I’m gonna ahhhhh..” You release onto his tongue. You were drenched in sweat, but he still wasn’t done with you.

Harry puts his mouth back on your clit, and slips two fingers back into you, curling them up in a come here motion. What was he trying to do to you? It didn’t matter. You couldn’t think straight.

“Ah!” He hit your g-spot. He smirks while continuing to nibble on your clit.

He continues to pump in and out of you while hitting the spot. You feel your stomach start to tighten again, and your legs are quaking. You tighten yourself around his fingers.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit!” You scream, slamming your head into your pillow, arching up fully off the mattress. Harry let out a loud groan of your name.

He shifts himself, before he can lick up your juices, you pull his head up by his hair.

“Please.” You say with your eyes closed. “Please, let me tap out. It’s too much.” Your legs were still shaking a bit, and your chest was heaving. You open your eyes to look at him. He had a big smile on his face.

“Didn’t I tell you once I could do this for hours if you let me?”

“But Harry.” You whine. “It’s a school night.” He giggles at you and gets off the bed. “Where are you going, I want to reciprocate.” He takes his boxers off, and grabs a different pair.

“You did already.” You prop yourself up on your elbows.

“What?”

“I came in my shorts. You were so wet, and just tasted so good, I couldn’t hold on.” He gets back into the bed with you. He kisses you on the top of your head. Your mouth agape. “What?” You can’t find words, your head was still spinning. “Speechless?” He smirks. You nod your head yes. “C’mere, let’s have a cuddle.”

You lay your head on his chest, not caring that you’re too hot to cuddle. He really did know what it took to tucker you out. You were just about to fall asleep when you realized you needed to pee.

“Shit, I have to go clean myself up!”

“How come girls always need to pee after sex?”

“You gotta clean up after someone goes down on you, or you could get a UTI, girls get them easier than guys, and they are painful.”

“You’ve had one before?”

“Only once.” You shudder. “Not something I would wish on my worst enemy. It’s the most uncomfortable thing in the world.” You get out of bed and fall to the floor. “Oof!” Harry crawls to the edge of the bed and raises an eyebrow at you.

“Are you alright?”

“Yup, just didn’t quite have my balance.” You stand up slowly. Your legs were really shaky.

You rush into the bathroom, and pee to clean yourself up. You come back and slowly get into bed. Oh yeah, you were going to be sore in the morning.

“Ya good?”

“Mhm.”

“Turn over so I can spoon ya.” You giggle and give him a quick kiss before turning over. “I love you baby, goodnight.”

“Love you too, sweet dreams.”

//

You woke up extremely groggy the next morning, and actually hit snooze when your alarm went off; something you never did. You actually hit snooze twice. By the time you got up, you could only shuffle around you. You were sore all over. Between the way his fingers went in and out of you, and how roughly he rubbed your clit, you wanted to slap him upside the head for making you walk like you had a stick up your ass. You opted for a pair of black slacks, a blue blouse, and a light grey blazer. You left your hair down and curly, not having the energy to straighten or put it up. Really, even if you had just run your blow dry through it, it wouldn’t have looked like such a mess. By the time you washed our face and got dressed, you realized you just did not have time for a full face of makeup. So you put some concealer on and the couple of blemishes you had, and finished up in the bathroom.

You glared at him sleeping happily, face shoved into the pillow. You weren’t really mad at him. You were more so mad at the fact that you had to leave him. He was so cozy and warm. Harry’s work days were so different from yours, most of the time he didn’t have to up until eight, when you already needed to be at work. You wobble over to him, and kiss the top of his head, and leave the bedroom.

You stop off for yours and Niall’s coffees, and go straight to his office. He looked tired this morning too. You remembered that he and Sarah had a date last night as well. You walk right up to his desk, and plop his coffee down, without saying much, you both grunt at each other.

Just as you’re sitting down at your desk, you see him appear in the doorway with a smirk on his face.

“What?”

“You look terrible, you know that?”

“You came all the way down here to tell me that?” He chuckles.

“Are you alright? You look paler than a ghost.”

“You’re such a dick!” You giggle. “I’m just not wearing any makeup today.” You see your reflection in the computer screen. “Jesus, and my hair looks worse than earlier.” You scramble in your desk drawer and take out an elastic. You stand up, bend over, and put your hair up in a messy bun. “Is this any better?”

“Sort of…did you not sleep well?”

“No, I slept fine. Probably went to bed a little too late, and I made the mistake of hitting snooze this morning. I swear it’s always worse if you don’t just get up.”

“What did you and Harry do last night?” Flashes of your three separate, incredibly intense orgasms come to your mind and you shiver as you feel a pulse run through you.

“Um, we just went to dinner, you know, watched a little TV.” Niall steps in more to your office, and closes the door a bit. He crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow. “What?”

“Get a little frisky did ya? S’okay, I did too.” He sighs happily. “Hadn’t seen Sarah since Friday.”

“I’m so glad you too are doing so well.”

“Me too. So, go on, gimme the details.”

“You’re like a little school girl!” You swat at him, and lean against your desk. “We just tried some different positions.”

“Ah, so that’s why you’re walkin’ with your ass clenched.” He laughs.

“Why were you looking at my ass?” You laugh harder.

“I wasn’t, but I noticed you were walkin’ funny.” He gasps. “Did you two do it?”

“No.” You say bluntly.

“Then what could he have done to ya?”

“He...” You blush and close your office door all the way. “Fingered me from behind.” You whisper looking down at the ground. “But that wasn’t it. He flipped me over immediately and did it again, and then…he just kept, you know, going.” You make eye contact with your friend who has a smirk on his face. “It was like, primal or something. I don’t know, I had to tap out eventually.”

“He has sex like a lesbian, I swear to god.” You both start laughing.

“What do you mean?”

“You know, like, girls just keep going until they can’t go anymore.”

“How would you know that?”

“We had some friends in college that were lesbians, told us a whole bunch of tricks. Your friend Rachel hasn’t ever mentioned anything to you?”

“Not really, though, come to think of it, when she would bring a girl over…well, they’d be in there for hours.”

“Exactly. I think as long as you’re not lettin’ him stick it in, this is how it’s going to be.”

“I’m not complaining or anything.”

“No, I know, but he’s just going to come up with more creative things like this until you can’t stand it anymore.”

“Oh, so this is just some covert operation for him to get his dick wet?” You scoff. “He doesn’t even need me to touch him to get off, Niall. He just likes doing that.”

“What in the fuck do you mean?”

“He has come, and will come, from just being down there.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“I’m serious! It happened a lot when we first started getting intimate, then it sort of stopped the more I reciprocated. It really turns him on.”

“Jesus, no wonder he had a fuckin’ line of women out his door. It was like a fuckin’ deli counter at our apartment sometimes.” He shakes his head, and notices your fallen face. “Sorry, I shouldn’t mention his past to you.”

“S’okay.” You shrug. “It was before we knew each other. I wasn’t exactly a prude myself.” You sigh. “Did he really sleep with that many women?”

“Do you really wanna know the answer to that?”

Before you can answer, there’s a knock on your door. You reach around Niall to open it, and see your supervisor. She gives you both a funny look, wondering why your door would be closed with just you and Niall.

“Good morning you two. A little meeting before the meeting?”

“Just catchin’ up on the gossip to wake up a bit.” Niall says. He was better at smoothing things over than you were. “Shall we? Just need a second to grab my laptop.” You grab yours and head for the conference room.

“Are you feeling alright?” She says to you as you both walk down the hall.

“Um, yeah, just a slow start this morning. Didn’t have time for makeup.”

“Ah. Happens to the best of us.” You both smile as you sit down in the swivel chairs in the conference room. Niall comes bouncing in.

You have a discussion about the project you and Matt have been working on. Your supervisor is pleased with how much has gotten done already, and tells you to keep up the good work. You can’t help but feel like her eyes keep traveling to your neck, you realize that since your hair is up, the splotch Harry left on your neck is visible. And since you didn’t have time for makeup, you didn’t even think to cover it up. You nonchalantly put your hand over the spot as she speaks with Niall about what’s needed next.

After the meeting you go into the bathroom with the flat iron you keep in your desk, and tame your hair, now able to leave it down.

“You feel okay?” Matt asks, coming into your office.

“Christ, if I had a dollar for every time I heard that today. Didn’t realize I wasn’t allowed to not wear makeup.” He sits at the chair on the other side of your desk.

“Sorry! I shouldn’t have said anything.” You sigh.

“It’s fine, I’m just really tired.”

“Long day?”

“Yeah.” You say, not wanting to elaborate further with your twenty-year-old intern. After what Niall mentioned yesterday, you thought it would be good to be a bit colder to him. “It’s like five hundred degrees in here today, excuse me.” You get up to take your blazer off, and hang it on the back of your door. You open your office door up all the way to get the most airflow. Matt can’t help but look at the small bit of cleavage peeking through the top of your blouse.

About an hour into working together your phone starts to buzz, you smile when you see Harry’s name. Matt had his headphones so you figured he wouldn’t mind if you took the personal call.

“Hey you.” You say.

“Hey babe.” He says warmly.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing, had a quick break, thought I’d see how your day was going.”

“Aw, that’s sweet. It’s good, I’m a little tired.”

“I heard your alarm go off a couple times.”

“I hit snooze.”

“You never do that.”

“Well, like I said, I was tired.”

“We didn’t go to bed that late.” He was being coy with you. He wanted you to say out loud, just exactly why you were tired. Normally you would, but you didn’t want Matt to risk hearing you.

“Um…Matt’s here in my office, so I can’t really…be cute with you right now.” You say, cheeks flushing. Matt looks up at you, and notices your nervousness.

“Ohhhh, I see, so you don’t want him to hear that you’re tired because your boyfriend went to town on your pussy last night?” You stand up immediately and walk to the other side of your office.

“Harry.” You whisper harshly. “Stop it.”

“What?” He chuckles. “Alright, alright, don’t wanna getcha all hot and bothered without me there to take of ya, I see.”

“Seriously.” You feel yourself starting to sweat, and an ache brewing within you. “You know,” You whisper carefully, looking over your shoulder to make sure Matt is still working. “I could barely walk this morning? Looked like I had a stick up my ass.”

“And you’re blaming me?” He asks sarcastically.

“Who else is there to blame? I mean, I could take it a step further and say your fat fuckin’ fingers.”

“Hey, your intern is there, remember? And my fingers were only fat because my rings were still on. They get a bit swollen at the end of the day.”

“So I’ve noticed.” You glance at Matt again. “He can’t hear me, I moved, and he has his headphones in.” You sigh.

“Only a few more hours. I think you’re really gonna like dinner tonight, I’m excited to make it for you.”

“You’re so sweet.” You yawn. “Alright, I better go, I love you.”

“Love you too.”

You shake your head and sit back down, giving Matt a half smile. Little did you know he had paused the music he was listening to, and heard every bit of your conversation. Well, at least your half of it. His cheeks were a bit red.

“I just need to go, um, refill my water bottle.” He says.

“Sure, you don’t need my permission, not like you’re in class.” You smile.

Matt was a pretty good looking guy. He was tall, not as tall as Harry, but still a good height. He had a little muscle on him, but he was lean, definitely not a football player. You recalled that he was on the club rugby team at his school. He had light brown hair and hazel eyes. He was incredibly nice and trustworthy when it came to getting his work done. You were thankful for having an intern this semester.

He returns in a few minutes, taking a big gulp of his water, and gets back to work. Your afternoon is more quiet than usual, but he needed to know this was a place of work, and not a place for him to lust after you. You picked up on more of when he would take small glances of you, and when his eyes would dip to your chest. You didn’t feel uncomfortable, but it was something you were keeping your eyes on.

“So, I, uh talked to my friends about Pinz.” He says, you take your earbuds out.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, they said it was a great idea. We’re planning this huge party. A couple of my buddies turn twenty-one next month too.”

“That’ll be fun, Matt.” He loved when you said his name.

“Thanks again for the suggestion.”

“Any time.”

“What did you do for your twenty-first birthday?”

“Well, my birthday is over the summer, so my girlfriends and I rented out this beach house on the seacoast. We had a big party, but it was also fun to just be on the beach for a long weekend with my closest friends.”

“You’re lucky to have a summer birthday. Way more party options. I feel like as a kid we always had to do like movie theater parties and stuff like that.” You didn’t want to get into childhood birthday parties, or think of the fights your parents had the two times you were allowed to have a party. You simply nodded along.

Your phones goes off, and you see a text from Niall. You open it to see he sent you an image, a meme from an inside joke. You burst out laughing, and can hear him laughing from his office. You get up to go down the hall to laugh with him. Matt is thoroughly confused when you come back in, wiping tears from your eyes.

“You two are close, huh? You and Mr. Horan?” He asks as you sit back down.

“Oh, yeah. We’ve been friends since I started here. We sorta latched onto each other since we’re two of the younger people in the office. Not that I don’t like other people we work with, but it’s nice to have someone to relate to. He’s only a couple years older than I am.”

“And you both just clicked right away?”

“Yeah.” You smile, thinking back to the day you first met Niall. He was still dying his hair blond back then. “We have a lot in common, same sense of humor. We started eating lunch together almost every day, then we started casually buying each other coffee. I remember the first time I hung out with him outside of work, it was actually a work holiday party. We stuck to each other like glue.”

“Did you two ever date? If you don’t mind me asking…”

“Me and Niall!” You scoff. “No…now that I think about it, I think we have a no dating policy here.” You pause to ponder. “Or if you do date your colleague, you have to disclose it with HR. No, we’re sort of like work spouses, you know? He’s been there for me through some tough times. I’m lucky to know him and have him in my life the way I do.”

“You two make working here look like fun.”

“Working in an office isn’t always glamorous, but when you make good friends it definitely helps. Knowing I’ll get to chat with him Monday morning always gets me excited for the week.”

“So you two don’t hang out outside of work much?”

“No we do, just not as often as we were. He’s dating one of my best girlfriends, and I’m obviously with Harry, so some priorities have changed. But, we still make time for each other. Double dates have been fun.” You smile. “We look out for each other, we always have each other’s back.”

“That’s good. I hope I make friends so easily when I actually start working.”

“Do you think you wouldn’t?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “It’s just weird about coming into the real world. I mean, I only have one more year of school left.”

“It flies by, that’s for sure. But, you’re making good connections here. We like to keep our interns too, so you never know what could happen.”

“You’re a very nice person, has anyone ever told you that?” Your eyes widen a little.

“Um, once or twice, but thank you.” You look at the time, and see it’s 4:30. “Hey, if you wanna duck out early, feel free. My brain is fried, so I think I’m just gonna catch up on email for the next half hour.”

“Oh, alright thanks.” He gets up and packs his laptop away. “I didn’t, uh, make you uncomfortable with my comment did? I was just trying to say that I appreciate how nice you’ve been to me. You all could treat me as a coffee boy, but you don’t. I like getting to work on real projects.”

“You didn’t, don’t worry. And thanks. Wouldn’t be much of an internship if we had you running around doing nonsense. You’re definitely valued here.” After he leaves you go down to Niall’s office and plop down into one of his chairs.

“I feel like I either see you all day, or not at all. There’s no in between.” He smiles.

“I think you were right about Matt.”

“What do you mean?” His smile completely gone.

“I think he has a crush on me or something.”

“What happened?”

“I was very quiet with him today, up until the end of the day, I sent him out early. But I noticed he kept like, stealing glances…especially here.” You point to your cleavage. “I could wear the highest neckline, but there’s nothing I can do, I have big boobs.”

“Was he like blatantly staring?”

“No, but he was definitely looking, trying to be discrete about it, but a woman just knows when she’s being ogled. And then he started asking me all these questions about you and I, and how we became such great friends, and if we ever dated.”

“Maybe he was just curious…if he gets creepy or weird let me know and we can tell HR. Gotta cut the shit on the kind of behavior right away.”

“Definitely. God I hope he didn’t hear me on the phone with Harry earlier.”

“You took a call with him in there?”

“I thought he was just calling to say hi, but I moved to other side of the room, and he had his headphones in.”

“Could’ve paused his music to listen in.”

“I was whispering.” Niall sighs.

“How old is he?”

“Almost twenty-one.”

“I don’t want to make this sound like a boys will be boys thing, but try to see it from a different perspective. He’s a young guy who gets to sit an office, alone, with a pretty, older woman for four hours a day. I bet he goes back to his buddies at school and tells them all about what you wear and how you laugh. But like I said, if it gets weird or creepy, we will squash it.”

“It didn’t make me uncomfortable, and I’ve made it clear I have a boyfriend…people are allowed to have crushes. May not even be a crush, he might just be attracted to me.” Niall sighs. “What?”

“I don’t want to make you upset, but sometimes you’re a little too nice. It’s okay to be upfront with him, set some guidelines to how this all works. He doesn’t actually work here, he needs to know what appropriate behavior is and what’s not.” He sighs again. “Look, why don’t I talk to him next time he’s in. Okay?”

“Okay, yeah, I think it’ll be better if you chat with him first.” You groan. “It’s not easy being irresistible you know?” You both giggle.

//

You can’t wait to get home to Harry. He had seen you without makeup plenty of times, so at least you knew he wouldn’t make any comments about your appearance. When you keyed into your apartment, you smelled something absolutely delectable.

“Hey you!” He says, looking at you over his shoulder. You walk over and give him a kiss on the cheek.

“What are you making?”

“Pancakes…made from bananas. Thought we could have breakfast for dinner.” He smiles.

“I could cry this look amazing, thank you.” You give him another kiss on the cheek. “Just gonna go change into something cozy.”

“I have some extra sweats here, feel free to wear m’pants.”

“Thanks babe.”

Nothing was better than supreme domestic bliss. Nothing was better than coming home, and having your apartment smell so amazing. Nothing was better than Harry, plain and simple.

[findingmypeace]

2/11/2021

I think it’s time for a real update. (Sorry this is going to be long)

Long story short on Sunday I pretty much had a melt down. It’s probably the most intense my emotions have been since I started ECT in Fall of 2018.

Sunday was the Super Bowl. My family and I are big football fans and I had been looking forward to the Super Bowl all season. I even bought snacks and took them to my parents house where I was planning on watching the game. It just so happened that D, the brother I don’t get along with, and his wife were visiting. They went for a drive to see the beach when I first got there so the first little while was fine. But when they got back I immediately felt like I wasn’t allowed to talk. That anything I said would annoy D and then he might say something mean. Eventually it became unbearable and I decided to leave.

But I really didn’t want to leave. I wanted to spend time with my family, at my childhood house, that they are selling, and they will probably be living in another state within the month. It felt like leaving during the Super Bowl was leaving my entire life behind. (I realize that’s an exaggeration but I really am having a hard time with this move) I don’t know how I safely drove back to my place. I lost it. I couldn’t stop crying. I cried off and on for the the rest of the night. I didn’t even really watch the rest of the Super Bowl because I couldn’t focus. I got back to my place half way through the 3rd quarter.

And then, probably because of my exposure to D, I felt so self-destructive. I wasn’t feeling suicidal. I just wanted to hurt and destroy myself. I couldn’t sleep that night and thought about going for a walk at 2am because it’s ‘dangerous’ (I live in a safe neighborhood but it’s probably still not a good idea to take a walk in the middle of the night).

I didn’t really start feeling better until yesterday (Wednesday). I texted my therapist on Sunday and Monday night (even though I felt like the world’s most annoying person) and I love her but I didn’t feel much comfort from her response. I finally texted my psychiatrist on Tuesday morning and she called me on Tuesday afternoon and that did help a lot. She reminded me of my family situation (ie: my self-hatred is a product of how I was raised) and not to take it out on myself. She’s known me for so long (since I was 17) and knows so much of my family dynamics and family history that she was able to say all the right things. After that I started feeling better. I’m still not back to baseline but I’m not feeling as self-destructive and depressed as I was.

One thing I didn’t mention is my Mom’s comments to me as I was leaving on Sunday night. She walked me out to my car. She could tell something was wrong and I really had to fight hard not to cry in front of her. She told me this might be the last time I see D. Apparently he was really rude to her as well she told me she’s had enough and that she was going to have a talk with him. She said (for real) that if he continues to be that rude he will not be welcome at her house. What?!?! My whole life D’s behavior has been my fault! I have NO recollection of this but apparently I was bully to him and in D’s words I ‘tortured’ him. I remember fighting back when he picked on me but I don’t remember ‘torturing’ him. For my Mom to actually not excuse his behavior is incredible. I’m shocked. I mean it only took 30 something years but she actually said how he acts isn’t okay. Wow!

To sum it up, I had a big melt down on Sunday related to my parents moving and my brother’s treatment of me. I’m going to have a REALLY hard time with this move. But that’s another post. If you read this far you’re amazing.

[donghyuwus]

Jisung | CampTripping

pairing: jisung x fem reader (you could see at as gender neutral if you just skip the swimsuit part)

genre: fluff + tiniest sparkle of angst, but just mostly cheesy stuff :)

warnings: swearing, mention of bugs, cuts and bruises (not in a harmful way but just in case someone might find that triggering)

words: 6996 (my longest fic yet, wow)

authors note: well hello there, welcome back to me. it’s been a while since i’ve written stuff so please excuse me and this cheesy work. i hope you guys will still enjoy it though and if you have some feedback pls leave me an ask or a reply. also hehe the title is genius, i love myself

disclaimer: english is not my first language so sorry for my spelling or grammar mistakes, i tried my best.

Maybe it was the weather, warm and sunny, it almost felt like the sun was smiling directly towards you. Maybe it was the fact that today went by so perfectly, you were the most productive you ever have been, got all the things done you wanted to and even got time left for yourself. Or maybe, just maybe it was because you were going on a trip with your friend group tomorrow. Whatever it was you were in the best mood you have been in a while.

Humming along with the speaker in your room you packed the last few things for tomorrow. Honestly it surprised you that you were this excited. You weren’t much of a camping person honestly and that you were so looking forward to this almost scared you, to a point you had to tell yourself all the downsides that came with camping. Setting up a tent would be much work and very annoying, also there would probably be bugs, loads of them. A few days ago you searched up the weather predictions for the place you were going to and it was going to be hot, so that meant sweaty and sticky times. Besides that who knew what would be out there in the woods, maybe you should search that up later. Talking about woods, you had two left feet so that would mean coming back with lots of cuts and bruises. But even though you had said that to yourself so many times to get a realistic outlook on things and not be disappointed in the end, you still were extremely excited and almost couldn’t wait.

You were just closing up your bag when your music stopped and instead a ‘ping’ came trough the speakers, indicating that you had a message. You stopped what you were doing and grabbed your phone from the nightstand, expecting some spam from the group chat you were in. Surprised you stared at the message from someone who you didn’t expect.

‘Wanna go shopping?’ - Jisung

Looking over at the time you noticed it was already 8:27 pm. The shops would close soon, why would he want to go shopping now? And why with you? Lately Jisung wouldn’t talk or hangout with you much when the two of you were alone. You used to though. You two were almost inseparable, you loved hanging out with him and he with you. From all of your friends you could definitely call him your best friend, he was always there for you through all your ups and downs, mood swings and hard days. He was an angel. Jisung didn’t talk very much but the two of you always knew what was on each others minds. It was almost scary. You shared everything with him, he knew about your darkest secrets, crushes you had and embarrassing memories. And you knew everything about him, the fact that he was afraid of cockroaches to the fact that he deep down was a big iron man fan and maybe had some merchandise hanging around his room here and there. You found it cute, Jisung overall was very cute. However someday he got a little distant, you two had an argument a few days before that, but you knew deep down that wasn’t the reason he was acting like that. There must have been something else, but as you were trying to figure it out, Jisung only became more distant and distant. The two of you still talked, you were in the same friend group after all, but he didn’t speak to you as much when the two of you were alone. Let alone ask you to hangout with him and chill at his place. It mad you sad but you weren’t going to push him. You gave him his time but he never fully reached back to you until now. Whatever it was he wanted to buy right now, you were up for it and texted him back that you would meet him at the convenience store that your group would usually meet before shopping. Quickly you ran downstairs and grabbed your summer jacket, giving yourself a few glances in the mirror before leaving, making sure you looked okay. Why were you suddenly so lightheaded? You gave yourself one last glance in the mirror and noticed how red your cheeks were. The weather was clearly getting to you.

When you arrived at the store you noticed he was already waiting for you. Leaning against the wall next to the store, with one foot up to it making him lean backwards. He was wearing a simple white t-shirt and a denim jacket paired with black jeans and white sneakers. It was a simple outfit, yet it looked like high-fashion on him. His brown hair hanging over his forehead and covering it while he looked down at his phone. Your heart felt a little sore, you missed him, a lot. You didn’t even notice you stopped in your tracks and were staring, until a middle-aged man bumped into you and yelled at you for being in his way before stomping off. When you looked back at Jisung you noticed he was laughing, he had noticed the scene and clearly found it entertaining.

‘Distracted?’ He asked, clearly not knowing he was the distraction. ‘A little.’ You confessed a little embarrassed. A laugh escaped his mouth again before he shook his head and grabbed your hand. ‘Come on, we have some shopping to do if we don’t wanna starve tomorrow.’ A frown appeared on your face, because of what he said, but especially because of him holding your hand and taking you with him to the store. What was up with him all of the sudden. The last time he held your hand was such a long time ago. Were you always this nervous and excited when he did it? Maybe you just needed to get used to it again. ‘Didn’t you guys already buy food for the trip yesterday?’ He chuckled. ‘With Haechan ‘watching over it until we go’,’ he made quotation marks in the air, ‘there isn’t much left. Plus I want us to have our own food just in case. You know how the boys are.’ You nodded absentmindedly, your mind covering the word ‘us’ over and over again. It felt nostalgic.

The next day you woke up to the sound of a car honking. Confused you grabbed your phone to check the time. Shit, shit, shit. Quick you ran to your window and looked down. There they were, the two cars, waiting for your overslept self. You mumbled out a few curse words while you tried to dress yourself as decently as you could and fixed the bird nest that was on your head. While brushing your teeth you went over the events of yesterday. You packed your bag, went shopping with Jisung, he walked you home, you were confused, set 3 alarms and eventually stayed up ‘till 4 because your mind wouldn’t stay silent. Fuck, you slept trough all 3 alarms. You noticed the dark circles under your eyes but there wasn’t time to fix any of them cause one of the cars was back at honking. ‘Coming, coming.’ If they would hear you, you yelled out. Quickly you grabbed your bags before rushing out the door into the car that you were assigned to on the road there.

‘So, so. You took your time.’ Renjun spoke, annoyance having the main focus in his tone. He set the car in reverse and drove off your driveway, following Mark who was the driver of the other car. Guilt made it’s way into you. ‘I’m sorry, I set three alarms. I truly don’t know how this could have happened.’ A sigh escaped your lips when none of them answered, you looked over beside you and to your surprise it was Jisung sitting next to you instead of Jeno. Usually Jisung loved sitting in the front seat and refused to sit at the back, his reasoning was that he felt like the oldest sitting at the front and of course because of the aux-cable. But at this moment he was sitting beside you and was giving you a reassuring smile. You knew what kind of ride this would be so you sat back and closed your eyes, listening to the music Jeno was putting on. Honestly you were glad that on the ride there, so early in the morning, you had the quiet group with you in the car. It gave you some time to think, look at the landscaping out of the window, listen to and enjoy the music and maybe sleep a little.

You didn’t know how much time had passed by when you woke up from your nap. Finally you had caught up a bit of sleep and you felt a lot better. After you rubbed your eyes and looked out of the window you noticed the car was standing still, that’s when you also noticed that the two front seats were empty. They had stopped at a gas station. Shifting your gaze to your left to see if you were the only one in the car, you locked eyes with Jisung, Honestly not expecting him to be here you almost, almost let out a little scream but instead you just puffed out some air. ‘Fuck, Jisung. You really scared me there.’ A laugh came out of him. ‘Sorry, didn’t mean to.’ It went silent and he stared at his feet while you stared out the window beside you. It was bugging you how unusual times like these had become to the both of you. You were getting foreign to this just talking about him about absolute nonsense. Maybe you should try and start a conversation again and see how it goes from there. So you did.

‘How long have they been gone?’ Surprised he looked up to you and for a split second a smile appeared on his face, before being replaced with his neutral face. ‘Uhh, about 15 minutes now I think. The cars needed to be tanked, Jeno and Chenle really needed to pee and the other guys just wanted some food and a break from sitting in the car.’ You nodded while you took in his words. ‘Why didn’t you go with them.’ There was a pause before he answered. ‘I don’t know, just didn’t feel like getting up.’ You didn’t buy any of it. ‘Sure. Usually you love getting all kind of ridiculously expensive food in there and making Mark pay for it, you’re not fooling anyone.’ He chuckled. ‘Okay, okay. I wanted to wait here for if you woke up. I’m sure you would be hungry and thirsty so I could make sure you were okay.’ A smile creeped on your face, you couldn’t help it. ‘That’s sweet but I can grab the food myself, you know?’ That seemed to struck him. ‘Oh. Oh, yeah, that’s true. Wow that is stupid of me.’ ‘It’s okay, it’s still sweet.’ You smiled at him and he smiled back, looking absolutely stunning, the sunlight shining trough his window, hitting him from the back, making him look like an absolute angel. For a moment you found yourself staring again, but he snapped you out of it, asking you if you wanted something to drink and eat. That’s when you noticed that you were indeed craving something. So he scooted closer to you and shared some of his sandwiches and candy the two of you bought yesterday. While eating he started a conversation with you this time and you both laughed and talked until Jeno and Renjun came back. And even after that he stayed on his spot right beside you, leg touching leg, shoulder touching shoulder. You tried to remember the last time you were this close to him, it had been a while, you had to get used to it again because your heart wasn’t giving you an easy time going so rapidly. It gave you a weird feeling, inhaling his cologne, hearing his laugh so close to your ear, seeing him smile from up close. It almost made you dizzy. Maybe you were carsick.

After a few more hours of driving and stopping here and there, you arrived at the camping spot. It was located at an open spot, in the middle of the woods, lucky for you there was one main road and a few tinier paths leading up to the big spot. When you stepped out it directly was showtime, you had been driving for so long that the sun was already setting, so all of you had to get to work and set up the tents quickly before it would be dark. They had brought 3 tents with them so it was some work but it eventually all was set up in time. After setting up the tents Mark and Jeno went out to look for some branches and sticks for a campfire, Renjun and Chenle were unpacking their stuff and getting out the food while Haechan and Jaemin went out to explore the woods and promised to be back on time and not get lost. You were busy putting your sleeping bag and your other bags and necessities in your tent when Jisung walked in and put his stuff next to yours. Startled you stopped what you were doing and looked over at him. He noticed your eyes on him almost directly. ‘What?’ You could see his cheeks getting rosy. ‘Isn’t Haechan supposed to sleep beside me this trip?’ A cough came up his throat and he looked caught. ‘Uhh, wel yeah, about that. Let’s say it like that, Haechan doesn’t want to sleep next to you anymore. He thinks you won’t be as much fun.’ You stared at him and blinked once or twice, processing his words. ‘He.. thinks I won’t be as much fun?’ Jisung’s expression changed as soon as he heard the tone in your voice. ‘Well no, no, yes, well no. Not like that. He just thinks you and me would be a better match up, he is a bit loud you know? He snores and stinks and-’ ‘Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it.’ You continued what you were doing in silent and so did he. Your mind not leaving you alone. You and me would be a better match up.

When you were done making sure your tent was cozy and liveable for a few days you stepped out and noticed the campfire being lit up and Jeno, Mark, Renjun and Chenle sitting around the thing on some bigger branches. All of them holding some sort of snack and putting it in the fire. It looked like fun and you were excited to join when you noticed Haechan and Jaemin still being gone. Shouldn’t they be back by now? Like he could read your mind, Jisung, beside you, spoke: ‘Hey guys, shouldn’t Jaemin and Haechan be back by now?’ Mark shrugged his shoulders. ‘You know how they are, they will probably show up soon, don’t worry about it too much. Now hurry up and grabe some food before it’s gone.’ So that’s what you both did.

Many stories, laughs and marshmallows later you were full and it was pitch black outside, the stars and moon, together with the fireplace being the only sources of light. It was the best temperature it had been all day, not too hot but definitely not cold, just right. You felt content and happy, in your gut you could feel this was going to be an amazing trip. Gratefulness washed over you when you looked over at your friends who were still talking, while some of them were starting to clean up and get ready for bed. You were so lucky to have them in your life. Your eyes stopped at one person however and couldn’t look away. He wasn’t talking just simply looking up at the sky, at the stars and the moon. A sly smile plastered on his face, which was being lit up by the campfire, making him look absolutely stunning. His eyes seemed to glisten in all sorts of colours, or maybe that was your mind making that up. His smile making you feel fuzzy inside. Just like yesterday he was wearing a simple tee and jeans with some sneakers but without a jacket this time. It was almost effortless for him to look good and it made you upset. It was unfair how perfect he looked. You didn’t know how long you had been staring at him when you noticed he was staring back, a shy smile on his face. Fuck y/n, dumb. Bet you looked like a creep. You were just about to look away when his expression changed from shy and happy to concerned. ‘Guys,’ everyone stopped what they were doing and looked over at Jisung, ‘Haechan and Jaemin still aren’t back.’

‘Okay so you stay together, don’t lose each other and if you find them go back to our camping spot and wait there until we return. Don’t lose the flashlight and take care.’ Mark was instructing the group. He had paired you all up in duo’s who would all go a different direction to find the two lost boys. Mark and Renjun would search the north side of the woods, Chenle and Jeno the west and Jisung and you the east. It was crazy how in such a stressful situation Mark remained calm and took lead of the group. He gave one person of the duo’s a flashlight since there weren’t enough for all of you and Jaemin and Haechan had grabbed the last two. ‘Good luck everybody, remain safe please.’ Mark pleaded before walking of with Renjun. After that Chenle and Jeno followed and then Jisung and you.

As close as you could you walked beside him. Not wanting to trip, the chance now being even higher since it’s dark, you walked careful but slow. Jisung noticed since he walked way faster, because he wasn’t as clumsy and because he had way longer legs. So he stopped and waited until you caught up on him so that he could grab your hand and guide you. He used to do that a lot, he knew how clumsy you were and how many times you fell over your own feet. You were glad it was so dark outside otherwise he clearly would have noticed your rosy cheeks and flustered face by now, it was starting to get annoying, all this fuss that your body made to get used to him again. You almost wanted to smack yourself, this was a serious situation, Jaemin and Haechan were missing and you were out here blushing because your friend is holding your hand. So stop being such an idiot y/n. The both of you didn’t speak much except him warning you for certain things on your path and the both of you screaming out the names of the missing ones. Without much payoff however. Nobody answered and you didn’t find even one clue about where they could be. You had been walking for so long you were almost scared you two would get lost, well you would have if you were the one leading, lucky for you Jisung knew what he was doing because he had been here before.

Even though you really tried to ignore it, his hand holding yours was very, very present in your mind. It was almost like an alarmbel in your mind, well more in your heart. It had never gone to this speed before, you were sure of that. It had happened while shopping as well, but then you were just so confused, you were better at not paying attention to it. Suddenly you realized something. An epiphany. It explained why you always liked hanging around Jisung, you loved it, however it made you feel so nervous, so dizzy, you always had a dumb explanation for it which now makes no sense at all. You understood why you found yourself staring at him so often. Why you always double-checked how you looked around him and how you acted. Why you were so excited to go on this trip. Why his smile was the most beautiful thing you have ever seen, why his laugh brought you so much joy your stomach almost started to hurt, why his eyes made you get lost in them, why everything he did was mesmerising to you, why the little things he did made your heart race at such an immense speed. You liked Jisung. You liked Park Jisung and you had just found out. It made your heart stop. What did you do? Oh my god what did you do? He noticed long ago, you were sure of it. That’s why he didn’t hang out with you so much alone anymore, that’s why he didn’t talk that much or looked embarrassed around you, that’s why he became so distant. He knew you liked him and he found it embarrassing, he didn’t want to hurt you so he acted like he didn’t know and instead took a step back from you. Oh how stupid have you been? At this point you were sweating so much you were sure he noticed your hand being clammy in no-time. You wanted to cry on the spot.

The both of you were already turning back to the camp because there was no way you would find them here and leaving the path would be too dangerous right now, you two could get lost and that would cause an even bigger problem. As you were walking back and you had your internal breakdown the flashlight flickered 4 times before turning off. ‘Shit.’ As a whisper it came out his mouth, he let go of your hand to fix the thing. You took the opportunity to take a step back and calm yourself and your stupid sweaty hands before he would hold them again. Unfortunately for you, you took a bit too many steps backwards and tripped over what you assumed was a rock, making you fall and roll down for a few seconds before coming to a stop. You hissed at the pain in your arms and legs from the freshly cut bruises and the pain on your head, which you fell on. That all would heal very annoying, you would get scabs and now the sun would be out so much, you would get tanned while the wounds would stay light and form ugly scars. You sighed and tried to get up but immediately fell back down. That’s when you noticed you sprained your ankle when you tripped over that stone and you sprained it quite badly. So you sat there, in the dark, in the woods, on sticks and leaves, probably surrounded by thousands of little bugs who would love to meet the human who is among them. It was the universe, you knew it, punishing you for being so dumb for falling in love with one of your friends, your best friend even. You felt the tears pricking in your eyes and before you knew it they were rolling down your cheeks. Not even a few seconds later a bright light was shining right towards you.

‘Oh my god, there you are, I was so worried I had lost you and wouldn’t find you-Wait are you crying? Oh no, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have left you alone standing there, looked what happened. Are you hurt?’ He kneeled beside you, shining the light at your exposed arms and legs. It was a stupid idea to were shorts in the woods even though it was warm, it would have at least protected you more if you wore a pair of jeans. All sorts of mumbles came out of his mouth while he inspected you from top to toe, asking where it hurt, if you felt dizzy. Honestly you did but that was not because of the fall, well a part of it was, but mostly because of the closeness of him and his face and how he was inspecting you. It made you even dizzier that your brain allowed yourself to feel all this, absolutely disgusting. He stopped asking questions and rambling about how stupid and irresponsible he was when you didn’t respond to anything. He shone the flashlight right at your face and you quickly closed your eyes to block the bright light. ‘Are you okay?’ His tone was soft, dripping with concern. You still had your eyes closed even though he had put the flashlight down beside you. ‘Hey, it’s alright. I’m so sorry for letting your hand go.’ His hand was on your shoulder. It was driving you insane, why was he being so nice and caring. ‘Don’t say sorry please, I’m not hurt. I’m used to getting bruised. The only thing that really hurts is my ankle, I think I strained it. And my head since I fell on it. But it’s fine.’ ‘It’s not fine, otherwise you wouldn’t be crying.’ His voice sounded a little bit more relieved, probably because you responded, but still concerned enough. ‘I’m sorry Jisung.’ His hand moved up to your cheek and you could swear your heart stopped. ’For what? You did nothing wrong silly.’ You wanted to cry even harder but it was like the tank was empty, nothing was coming out anymore. So you sighed and opened your eyes to look at him. His face only a few inches from yours, staring at you with the most concern you have ever seen, he probably thinks you’re going crazy. His brows furrowed, making wrinkles on the part of his forehead you could see, that wasn’t covered up by his hair. You wanted to smooth them out, he shouldn’t look concerned.

‘I like you Jisung, that’s why I am sorry’ You sighed out, looking at his face, waiting for his disgusted reaction or the face of embarrassment before he tells you he doesn’t feel the same way. But that never comes. Instead he looked confused, he didn’t look away for even one second, he kept staring into your eyes. This was even worse than you expected. You wanted him to reject you, right in your face so you could move on and maybe, just maybe become normal friends again. But instead he looks like you gave him shock therapy and he is paralysed. You felt like apologizing to the poor soul. ‘Look I’m sorry Jisung, I really am. I know you had noticed it already and that you became distant because of it, to not hurt my feelings and-’ You stopped to catch your breath and bring your hand up to your head since it was bonking like crazy and you were getting even dizzier because of it. ‘I like you too.’ You halted your movements and your eyes became as big as eggs. Most certainly you had hit your head way too hard and this was the side effect of it; hallucination.  

‘JISUNG! Y/N!’ Jisung jolted up at the sound of your names, it was Mark calling for the both of you. ‘Stay here.’ He said before running of in the dark towards the sound of Mark’s voice. ‘Like I could go anywhere.’ You let out to yourself while staring at your ankle. Suddenly everything hurt way less. Like your bruises were almost gone, you could feel the sting but it didn’t hurt as much. It almost felt like you were on clouds instead of the ground of the woods. Maybe the second side effect was showing up, getting sleepy and paralysed. You were almost sure of that when an angel came jogging back and picked you and the flashlight up from the ground like it was nothing. You felt even sleepier but you didn't want to close your eyes, afraid that when you opened them again it would all be gone. That it would all have been a dream. You laid your head against his chest as you listened to the pounding of his heart, it was rather fast, but he did run back there so that explains it. He smelled nice, just like in the car. Like cologne but a bit more worn out now and woody maybe, it smelled like a forest or maybe it was just you who had sticks and leaves in your hair from falling. It didn’t really matter honestly. He was warm and comfortable and staying awake was getting harder and harder.

Suddenly you noticed he stepped into an area with more light and you could hear the voices of your friends. It sounded like they were very distant and unstable. The only voice you could hear rather clearly was his voice. He was telling them what had happened out there and that he needed the first aid-kit. But you didn’t want to do that right now, you wanted to go to sleep, the pain was just setting down. You knew what they were gonna put on your bruises and that would wake the pain up again. No, no. They all went quiet. Could they hear your mind? Or did you say that out loud? At this point you couldn’t separate reality from your imagination anymore.  ‘I’m sorry but we need to, otherwise it will be even worse tomorrow. After that you can go to sleep okay?’ You opened your eyes a bit more to look at him a bit more clear. He looked gorgeous. ]You nodded your head slowly and he smiled at you before putting you down in your tent. After that the treating of your wounds began and even though you hated it now, you knew it would be better in the morning.

The next day you woke up with a headache and someone stroking your head. You blinked your eyes a couple of times and noticed the tent was completely lit which meant it was light outside. You had no idea how late in the day though. ‘Slept well?’ Looking over to your left you saw Jisung’s face on the pillow beside yours, stroking your head and giving you the most precious smile. It honestly felt and looked like a dream how he was laying there so perfectly. You were enjoying the moment and was just about to answer when you remembered the events from yesterday evening and you quickly shot up. He followed your movements and the concerned look was plastered on his face again. ‘We didn't find Haechan and Jaemin, oh my god no. They are starving out there, what if there was a bear and-’ He placed a hand on your shoulder and chuckled. ‘Calm down, y/n. Renjun found them yesterday when he and Mark got back to the camping spot. They opened the tent they were supposed to sleep in to see if they had left any clues to where they would have gone when they found them in there sleeping peacefully.’ You honestly never felt more confused. ‘Wait, what? How? Why?’ You mumbled. ‘They didn't even go into the woods, while we were busy doing our own stuff and setting everything up. They sneaked into their tents and waited to prank us at the perfect time. However they waited too long, ate too much candy while doing so, got a sugar rush and after that was over they fell asleep.’ Deep down you were happy those two idiots were safe but you also could kill them right at the spot for making you so worried. ‘So there is nothing to worry about okay? Except yourself cause you have been pretty bruised up.’

Just as he let those words out the headache started to make itself noticeable again and you decided it was a better idea to go and lay down again. And he followed, his face again on the pillow beside you but this time closer towards you, only a few inches between the both of you. You could feel his breath on your face, it smelled minty. That’s when you realized you maybe should do that too. Fuck, what did you even look like after all those hours of sleeping. ‘Is it okay if I go.. and get ready?’ He nodded. ‘Of course, but don’t you need a bit of help since you can’t really walk that well?’ ‘No, I’ll be alright, I advance rather quickly to my situation.’ ‘Okay than, see you in a bit. I’ll be waiting outside.’ Lifting himself up he gave you a quick glance to make sure you would indeed be alright, before stepping out of the tent. You took a few seconds to calm yourself down and after that rolled to your right side to grab the bag which stored your clothes. ‘Oh yeah, one thing. We are going swimming, the guys are already at the lake but I stayed behind for you. You have a swimsuit or something like that right?’ You nodded in response. ‘I do.’ He closed the zipper of the tent again and you were left alone with the challenge to get ready. While doing so your mind wandered off over and over again. Trying to remember the events of the night before as clearly as you could before passing out. You knew you had fallen down, the evidence was right there when you looked at your legs, all sort of little cuts and purple bruises were splattered on there. Your arms had the same story going on. So that was a fact. But what about the rest. You knew you had been crying because when you looked in the mirror to fix your hair you saw the puffiness of your eyelids, which only appeared after some good old spilling your emotions out trough your eyes. It was all physical evidence about what had happened yesterday. The rest you thought you knew, but honestly you didn’t really trust your mind. What if you were mixing up the real world with your dream one? What if you telling Jisung you liked him and him confessing he felt the same was just you making it up? He didn’t act awkward, so maybe nothing had happened. That gave you a peace of mind, well a little.

After about, what you assumed to be, half an hour, you were finally finished and hopped over to the tent opening and zipped it open. Jisung was waiting for you on one of the branches, as soon as he heard the sound of the zipper he jogged over to you with a bright smile. ‘Ready to go?’ And with that you hopped over to the lake, Jisung by your side, holding your hand and offering to carry you once in a while since it looked tiring. But you declined, wanting to do it yourself because he was already carrying a beach bag, even though it was indeed tiring. Eventually after a long time of hopping the two of you arrived at the lake. It was an open spot surrounded by many trees and a few mountains in the distance. The scenery was absolutely stunning. When you looked a bit better though you noticed the sun was already slowly setting. How late did you wake up for it too be this late already. You looked over at Jisung apologetically. How long has he been waiting for you to wake up. ‘Hey guys, there you finally are.’ Jaemin said while jogging over to you, a towel in his hand. ‘We were actually just getting ready to leave, we were getting hungry,’ Chenle spoke behind Jaemin, already wearing his normal outfit unlike Jaemin who was still in his swimming trunks, his hair was still wet though, ‘and besides that waiting in the water for you two for that long get’s kinda boring after a while.’ When you looked behind him you saw he was right, all of them were packing there stuff and getting ready to leave. That’s a bummer you actually would like to chlll in the water for a bit. ‘It’s okay, you guys go. Y/n and I will hangout here for a bit and return before it’s dark.’ Chenle really liked that for some reason and started giggling, while Jaemin was giving Jisung a wink. ‘Okay then, have fun together.’ He gave you a wink this time and you furrowed your brows while Jisung sighed loudly beside you. They started running of into the woods and eventually the others followed as well, leaving the two of you alone at the mesmerising spot.

You hopped over to the sand, near the water and started taking off your shirt and shorts, together with the pair of flip flops you were wearing, leaving you only in your swimsuit. Being brave you hopped over to the water but before your toes could even touch it you felt a hand grabbing your arm, halting your movements. ‘Are you crazy, you’re not doing that without my help dumbass. You’re gonna get hurt even more.’ A chuckle escaped your mouth when you looked over at the boy who had undressed himself as well and was now only wearing swimming trunks. It was mind-blowing how good he looked. ‘That’s not funny.’ He pouted before sliding the hand from your arm to your hand, leaving goose bumps behind on every part he touched, he guided you closer to the water but still didn’t let you touch it and instead picked you up in his arms. The scene reminded you of the night before, even though it was still very hazy and you didn’t trust your memories. But you could remember the absolute bliss you felt being in his arms and this time it was just as present. He was just as warm and the cologne was still vaguely on him even though he was shirtless. The sun hit him in such a way that he looked like he was shining himself. You got interrupted from your staring session when the water finally reached your skin and you got startled by it, it wasn’t cold though, it was just the right temperature. Jisung had stopped walking and was now looking down at you. ‘This doesn’t work very well, why don’t you hold onto my neck, then we can go a bit deeper.’ Little did he know it was extremely comfortable in his arms, but still you agreed and put your arms around his neck while he continued walking. Like a reflex you put your legs around his waist and held onto him tightly.

He stopped again when the water went up to his chest. You let yourself fall back a bit too look at him, his eyes where on you, they were smiling at you. His hands went to your waist and he pulled you even closer to him, you saw the flicker of nervousness shooting trough his face. No words were being spoken, but with Jisung you were used to that. You two didn’t need to speak that much to understand each other. But this time you were questioning yourself if you were sure of what he was doing. His head was tilted, his eyes searching for your reaction as he got closer. The only emotion you could feel was absolute bliss. When your nose touched you could feel the bubble that had been growing in your stomach wanting to pop, but it was waiting for something. Jisung and you had gotten really close before, he was your best friend after all, but never this close. His eyes were still searching trough yours and when he saw what he searched for, permission, slowly he pressed his lips against yours oh so softly. The bubble had popped. Releasing all kinds off butterflies, small and big. They were fluttering trough your whole body. His grip on your waist tightened and with his other hand he held your neck, deepening the kiss. His lips were soft and warm, like honey. The kiss didn’t last long, you had to catch your breath and so did he. When you did he looked at you with the most loving eyes, looking happier than ever and you were sure you were a mirror of those emotions.

‘I like you y/n, a lot actually.’ He confessed, for the second time. It was confirmation that yesterday was real, that his words were real and that his feelings for you were real. ‘I’m sorry that I became so distant. I always knew I liked you but only recently discovered that I liked you in a different way than just friends. I didn’t want to ruin things between us, so I thought the best thing to do was to just give us some space. I know it’s stupid, I truly am sorry. I think I’m just not used to feeling these things’ You leaned over to kiss him once again, this time with one of your hands going trough his soft brown hair, pausing only to catch your breath again. ‘I like you too Jisung.’ You whispered to him, foreheads touching, eyes locked. ‘But sometimes you’re a dumb goose, who gave you that tip for being distant because I’m sure you wouldn’t come up with that? It was Haechan wasn’t it? Yeah he’d be dumb enough and still call himself a love-guru-’Before you could even finish your rambling he held onto you even tighter and pulled you with him under the water. When you came up you had water in your nose and were coughing some up. ‘Park Jisung, I will kill you, just wait.’  You coughed out. His laugh was ringing in your ears as he looked at you struggling. ‘You can’t even walk without tripping, so I’m curious to see how you are planning to kill me.’ He laughed even harder. ‘I don’t need my feet to kill you.’ ‘Touche.’ He pecked your lips. ‘Touche.’ You mumbled before pressing yourself against him and stared at the sunset.  

You were right, this was going to be an amazing trip.

FIN

heya, if you liked this and would like to support me and my work consider buying me a kofi for 2 euro’s trough the link in my description, it would mean a lot to me! but don’t feel forced to of course, it’s totally optional <3

[justkindaoverhereobsessing]

the stars always make me laugh (4/4)

Now complete! Here is chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3, and the epilogue.

A year to the day after Ziva departs D.C. to return to Paris and reunite with her family, her newfound contentment is shaken by an unexpected loss. Tony and Tali are right where they belong—safely by her side—but she still finds herself feeling drawn to reflect on the past. She might just be able to use this new grief to bring peace to old wounds, renewing hope along the way for a future with her family... but only if she can find a way to let go of what haunts her.

Written as a combined response to two different challenge prompts; also available for reading on ff.net (chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3, chapter 4) and AO3 (chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3, chapter 4). This is the last chapter; tomorrow, I’ll post a short epilogue.

_________________________

January 12th, 2021, eveningtime

They spend the afternoon at an informal wake at Gibbs' house. Everyone they know and love is there, and it's cathartic to catch up with their adoptive family—despite the heavy occasion. The children, mostly too young to really understand what's going on, play together exuberantly as the hours pass. Tali is overjoyed to spend time with her "cousins," Victoria, Morgan, and Johnny.

As the afternoon wears on and people start to leave, though, Tali is still going strong. She'll certainly crash once they get her in bed, but for now, she has let the busy day hype her into new levels of excitement.

She's restlessly bouncing as they strap her into their rental car after saying their goodbyes, and Tony and Ziva pause before getting in themselves, looking at each other.

"She's practically vibrating. Exactly how many of Abby's Ducky cookies did she eat?"

"More than she needed, that is for sure."

"Do you think we should take her somewhere before we go back to the hotel? She needs to get the rest of her energy out or she's going to turn into a hellion tonight once she starts fighting sleep."

"Yes… I think we should," Ziva agrees, pinching the bridge of her nose to hide her reluctant amusement; through the back seat window, Tali can be seen puffing up her cheeks and squishing them with her hands to make what she calls "pooty booty noises."

Tony is most certainly to blame for that one.

_________________________

They end up at Anacostia Park, exactly where Ari parked and used a rifle to fire into Abby's lab; neither Tony nor Ziva mentions that. After fifteen years, it's time to make new memories here.

They aim for a playground near Pennsylvania Avenue Bridge, but Tali finds something that she wants to play with far more… mud. Today's sun has dried up most of what was left behind by yesterday's rain, but there are distinctly wet patches left in the shadier areas.

Tali is still dressed up for the funeral, and her parents' first impulse is to stop her from destroying it… but they exchange glances and decide without needing to discuss it that Tali will be fine. She'll grow out of the dress sooner or later anyway, and, well… life is short.

They give her the go ahead then, and with a gleeful expression on her face, she immediately squishes her feet in. It takes her only minutes to be covered in goo from head to toe.

As she plays, Tony and Ziva find a drier spot to sit themselves; it's still strangely warm for January, and it's pleasant to lounge on the winter-yellow grass.

At first, they're side-by-side, but between jet lag and several days of heavy emotion, Ziva is worn out. Eventually, she moves to lay on her back, her head resting against one of Tony's outstretched legs. They talk about inconsequential things, simply decompressing.

There's something wonderful about being here again, now happily married and openly affectionate; this is the first time they've been in Washington together since Ziva resigned from NCIS almost eight years ago. Having Tali here, her zest for life as visible as the navy yard across the river, is proof of something hopeful: even the most painful losses and changes can result in beauty. If not for everything her parents went through together, Tali would not exist.

She is and always will be a saving grace, a light at the end of the tunnel, a reason to hope.

Tali makes everything worth it.

_________________________

When the sun starts to set, the David-DiNozzos are still in the park, but things are quieter now. Tali, finally exhausted, is curled up with her parents, nestled under Ziva's left arm and snoring softly. Her parents have fallen into companionable silence, too.

With her free hand, Ziva idly plays with the soft dirt under the grass, letting fine particles sift through the cracks between her fingers as she grabs a handful and releases it. Tony mimics her movements, making her smile; his fingers, however, drift through her hair rather than the earth underneath them. She glances up to see him watching her, contentment written across his features.

"Can I tell you something?" he murmurs, his voice soft to avoid waking Tali.

"Of course."

"I love you."

Ziva smiles at him involuntarily—just as she always does when he says those words.

"I love you, too."

_________________________

The sunset turns out to be an exceptionally brilliant one, its oranges and pinks dancing on the slow-moving river below so that the whole world is lit up as the sun fades away. Ziva watches it with heavy eyes, starting to feel the pull of drowsiness urging her to join Tali in sleep. It's safe to rest with Tony watching over them.

As she drifts off, though, something catches her gaze. In the shade of a tree near the water, backlit by the sunset behind him, someone is watching. The sight should be alarming—the man appears to be staring right at them—but Ziva only feels the familiar warmth of unexpectedly seeing an old friend.

There's a reason for that. Everything about the man—his pose, his silhouette topped by the shape of a safari fedora, even his small stature—is reminiscent of how Ducky looked in the autopsy doorway when he found her on her darkest night. It has to be a coincidence; Ziva knows that Ducky is gone. The resemblance is so striking, though, that for the briefest moment, she thinks it might actually be her old friend.

Then he turns, dying sunlight illuminating his shadowed face. Ziva must be imagining him, but…

It is Ducky.

He meets Ziva's eye and smiles kindly at her; once he has her attention, he starts to speak, his lips moving soundlessly, and she can somehow understand what he's saying: 'Let go, Ziva. Tell him.'

Shouldn't she know by now to listen to him?

Maybe she'd been right when Ducky died, thinking that he wanted to tell her something—or maybe his memory is only inspiring the inevitable conclusion that she has long avoided. Either way, she understands the message: it's time to let Tony help carry her burdens.

She gives the image of her friend a slight nod, smiling faintly; she can feel his approval. Tipping his hat and winking at her, Ducky offers one last smile before turning away to face the sunset.

Then Ziva blinks, and he's gone.

She closes her eyes for a moment, saying a final goodbye before looking up at her husband again.

"Tony?"

"Mm?"

"If you are ready to listen, I…"

"I'm always ready, Ziva." His hand in her hair moves to rest on her cheek.

Ziva nods, appreciative. "Then I think I am ready to talk about some things that I have kept to myself for far too long. I need… I need to let go."

Tony seems to understand; he goes back to running his fingers through her hair. "I'm listening, sweet cheeks."

She takes a deep breath, lets it out, and starts to speak.

_________________________

Ziva talks until the sun is gone and the stars are visible; it's getting colder, but she doesn't notice the dropping temperature until Tony shrugs off his suit jacket and drapes it over Tali. He doesn't say a word, though; he only listens, letting Ziva say what she needs to say.

She begins with Somalia, not going into detail but no longer shying away from the truth. Even a decade later, it's painful to talk about, but when each successive word hurts less than the one before it, she starts to realize that there's more she needs to get out:

The first Tali, gone too soon.

Ari, who she still mourns despite who he became.

Sahar, and the search that drove Ziva to desolation, restless and lonely.

With every old scar she gives a name to, she breathes easier, and by the time she falls silent, she feels… empty; the loud chaos of a mind brimming with ancient pain and constant anxiety has gone quiet. It feels like... absolution, perhaps. Even in death, Ducky has reminded her to trust, to let herself live freely without succumbing to fear.

For a year now, Ziva has been with her family, taking happiness one day at a time—because it has always been in the back of her mind that this, too, will soon be ripped away from her. Now she understands how that fearful conviction is a product of every haunting memory that she's kept guarded. It's time to change that.

She's ready to let go, or at least begin to—and when she finishes her tales of old heartbreak, Tony still looks at her the way he always has. There's no pity, no fear, no discomfort... In his eyes, she sees only love.

It's freeing.

When they eventually pack up to leave the park, Ziva abandons burdens of bygone grief to patches of dead grass and a chilly night sky.

She's ready to look forward.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I woke up today around noon, to a text confirming that we were going to have a family call a few hours later.  I slept a little more, but not very deeply.  I had vivid dreams that I can’t quite remember now.

I got up for the call.  It was fine.  Just small talk and such, mostly.  Afterward, I felt hungry, so I drove out and got a personal pizza and then went home and ate the entire thing, which made me feel gross.

I didn’t really feel like doing anything today.  Another day like yesterday.  It felt kind of bad.  I could feel myself spiraling into a funk... this is how a depression slump begins, and I don’t want that.  But I just... didn’t feel like doing anything.  I didn’t even do the work task I wanted to do.  I’m sure it’ll be fine, I can just rush through it tomorrow, but still.  I’m not exactly a model of productivity lately, at work or in my home life, and that makes me feel bad.

So I spent most of the day relaxing, watching a stream or putzing around with a game.  At night, the feelings of ennui caught up with me, and I spent a while lying in bed, trying to think my way out of it.  I decided to try to get organized, so I spent a little while making a list of all the things I want to do: chores, projects, everything except work-related stuff.  Then I tried to organize and categorize it a little.  We’ll see if it helps me get things done at all.

I also weighed myself, for the first time in about a year.  I’ve been aware that I’m gaining weight--I can feel it and see it, and I don’t like how it feels or looks--but this is the first time I’ve had real evidence.  I’ve gained about ten pounds since last year, the continuation of a longer trend; and although I’m still technically in a healthy weight range, it’s clear I need to do something about it.  What that is, I don’t really know.  Stop eating out so much, I suppose.

It’s pretty late now, and I have that early meeting tomorrow.  God, I hate that meeting so much.  I’ll get only about five solid hours of sleep tonight.  Please, pity me.

[meganshinsou-tm]

Shared Walls. (m)

↳ chapter nine: control

❧ genre: pro-hero shouto, coworkers to lovers, happy ending

❧ chapter warnings: none

[multi-chap masterlist] [previous chapter - next chapter]

Shouto's two toned eyes slowly fluttered open to bright sunlight filling the bedroom. The hero honestly wasn't a morning person on his days off, always trying to stay in bed until the last possible minute before realizing he would need to get up and do something productive. He groaned and rubbed his eyes and went to get up to close his blinds just a bit more until he felt another body stirring next to him and letting out small quiet sounds.

He looked down to see you cradled into his chest and lap, your thighs flushed with each other. Todoroki finally remembered the night before, the confessions you made to each other and falling asleep with you in his arms. The whole weekend caring and worrying about you had him so exhausted and sleeping with someone for the first time in what felt like forever made him sleep deeply and very well. You head rested in the crook of his arm, his hand threaded through your soft hair. The sea blue and grey eyes widened when he looked down more and realized your top half was bare and all you wore were a pair of black cheeky underwear.

"What did I do," he thought to himself, positive that you feel asleep with a shirt on the night before. 

His eyes trekked across your shoulders and took in the sight of your mangled skin as it was closer for him to really examine. His heart broke a little as his fingertips lightly ghosted the scar tissue of the claw marks left behind. He wondered how someone could ever want to hurt you so badly and be proud of it. Scars or no scars, your skin was still flawless in his eyes. You looked so soft and plush making him yearn to touch you more.

Taking a leap of faith, his hand flattened under your shoulder blade and slowly glided along the curve of your hip. His fingers softly gripping the edge of it once he reached the hem of your garment. You seemed to hum at the feeling, he was using his left hand so it was like he left a trail of warmth on your skin. Releasing your hip, his fingers then danced along your lower back where he lightly applied pressure and massaged up your spine. Your back arched into his touch, making your ass brush against his crotch, as it did his hand stopped and his fingers stiffened on your back but he controlled himself from digging them into your skin and waking you any further.

Shouto's mind was swimming in the sight before him as his own imagination added more pictures to the mix. He took a deep breath to try and calm himself and his steadily beating heart. Once under control again, his hand continued to lightly wonder your skin and back to the starting point at your scars. His hand flattened once again under the marks and his thumb brushed them. A soft and sleepy purr come from you and your body inched closer to his searching for more warmth since he was pulled away from you during his admiration. The male couldn't resist anymore and he leaned down close to your back, his lips brushing against the marks that you were so ashamed of. All we wanted to do was show them love, hoping that in return you would come to accept them. Finally, his lips pursed together and he placed the lightest of kisses along each single scar. The fringy tips of his hair tickled your skin and made you giggle quietly. He felt your body shaking and smiled.

You turned your head and Shouto smiled even more. (E/c) sleepy hues sparkled at him, your cheeks slightly pink from their warmth and the laziest but cutest smile crossed your lips.

"Good morning RokiRoki!"

Shouto wrapped his arm around your waist, careful not to graze your breasts and pulled you closer into his chest. He placed a sweet peck on your forehead and his hand in your hair brushed aside your bangs that hung in your eyes.

"Good morning, I'm sorry if I woke you, I'll let you be if you want."

"Please don't, I like when you touch me Shouto."

Your sleepy eyes softened and you smiled again, turning your head back around and nudged your back into his chest, trying to signal for him to continue. He took your silent request and fulfilled it, his hand rubbing your body again, you breathed out a content sigh. "How did you sleep Shouto?"

"Really great actually, I didn't exactly realize how tired I was."

"Aww, that's my fault Shouto. You've been taking care of me all weekend and haven't really been able to rest, I'm sorry."

Shouto shook his head behind you and placed his chin on your shoulder. "Don't apologize (Y/N), I'd do it all over again. I know it's under terrible circumstances but I've enjoyed this time alone with you."

You smiled and nodded, the two of you continued to lay together making small talk as he massaged your back. Todoroki loved being able to freely touch your skin without any awkwardness. It felt so natural to have you so close to him, talking about random things and genuinely enjoying the other's company. He could stay right here forever with you in his arms, listening to your voice and hearing your sounds. Feeling the warmth of your body pressed with his as he kissed your skin diligently and breathed in your sweet scent that smelled of vanilla and cocoa powder.

"(Y/N), how did your shirt end up coming off?"

You chuckled and felt his arm wrapping around your waist again. You took his hand in yours, intertwining your fingers together as he laid back down. You molded perfectly into him and his head rested on top of yours, his hand playing in your hair again.

"Well, I don't know if its your quirk or if you're just naturally hot natured but I got extremely warm from the blanket and you being so close so at some point in the middle of the night I guess I just tossed it off. If you haven't noticed I'm just extremely comfortable around you Shouto and we're both adults, it's not like we haven't seen or slept with half naked people before right?"

Shouto smirked and agreed. Your fingers traced along the back of his hand that wrapped around you as you grew silent again not showing any sign of getting of out the warm and soft bed anytime soon. Todoroki's eyes closed as he nuzzled his face in the crook of your neck squeezing you tightly. 

"Shouto, isn't it Monday, my brain is still kind of groggy on what day it is."

"Yes, it's Monday. If you're worried about work, don't be. I called my father yesterday and informed him of the situation. He advised that we both take the day off to rest."

You smiled and awed at Enji's kindness. "I told you I'd butter him up! No one can resist my charm RokiRoki!"

The hero chuckled against your skin, his warm breath fanned across your neck and his low husky voice made you shudder physically. 

"Are you cold (Y/N)?"

Sheepishly you laughed and shook your head. "Uh – not exactly Shouto."

Todoroki was somewhat intrigued by what seemed to make you tremble, if it was the temperature or you just being uncomfortable, he wanted to know so that he could fix it. He was still somewhat aloof when it came to reading people.

"What is it then?"

You giggled and shrugged your shoulders. "It's just, certain things you do have an effect on me. Your quirk glitches when I make you nervous or flustered right?" Shouto agreed with a hum. "Well when you make me nervous or flustered my body reacts differently, maybe I'll shudder like I did or –"

"Bite your lip." Shouto replied, not questioning though but stating as a fact.

You laughed and raised your free hand to ruffle Shouto's soft locks that mixed with yours. "You're very perceptive Roki!"

The male smiled and you could feel his lips brush against your neck along with his breath again, a quiet gasp left your lungs and your head tilted slightly more into the pillow beneath you. 

"I guess you could say that, but I just enjoy watching you."

Your eyes widened at his statement and at the feeling of his fingers tracing circles on your stomach, making butterflies dance on the inside. Your skin suddenly felt like it was on fire but thankfully it wasn't Todoroki's quirk, just your raging hormones rejoicing underneath your skin as his lips trailed along your neck and the back of your shoulder. The hero was a gentleman for the most part, but he could be suave as fuck when he wanted to and it drove you insane. His expression and voice would stay the same as his eyes stared into your soul when he'd make suggestive comments or jokes.

Sinful thoughts ran through your head, making you question if this was the best place to be? In the same bed, halfway naked with your employer. You wanted so badly to say yes and to beg the man to have his way with you or at least finally give you a real kiss but before you could take any further step you needed to know if crossing that professional line would be okay even though your feet were already in the water.

"Shouto, if you're going to say things like that and touch me the way you are, I need to know one thing."

"What is it," he replied pulling his face and body somewhat away from you.

You sighed and clutched the blankets close to your chest and covering yourself before turning to lay on your back. Shouto sat up on his elbow, his free hand cupping your cheek and brushing the soft flustered skin.

"I know last night we said things to each other, it's undeniable, our feelings. And we're only human and have other desires as well besides just emotional. Before we both cross that line any further and give into them, what will that mean for our business relationship, will I need to find another job or will you get in trouble?"

Todoroki smiled and leaned forward, his face inches from yours. His blue and grey eyes glistened and made you melt, your own eyes looked down at his plump and soft looking lips making you bite down on your bottom lip. He chuckled and placed a finger on the piece of flesh, pulling it from between your teeth.

"You're nervous, don't be. I'd never do anything you don't want me to (Y/N), although I'll admit I find it hard to control myself around you. As for our 'business' relationship, nothing would change. Workplace relationships are very common nowadays, as long as it doesn't interfere with either of our work ethics then it's 100% acceptable."

You nodded and relaxed from his words but didn't move an inch as his finger still lingered on your lip. He leaned in closer, your noses brushed together and he moved his body closer to yours. Heat engulfed you both and a puff of steam escaped his lips. You giggled and placed a hand on his own cheek. 

"Are you trying to control yourself right now Shouto?"

"Yes."

Your own thumb brushed across his bottom lip, it was softer than you expected. Your eyes wondered his blushing pale cheeks and the pieces of hair that dangled before his beautiful eyes. With a smirk you pulled him in closer, brushing your lips against his, testing his control to the max. He stayed still and let you tease, feeling your plump lips against his own and leaving a trail of fire against them. The hand on your face trailed down your body over the covers and rested on your hip, his entire body was burning up as he maintained himself, fingers itching to touch and lips yearning to taste. You were surprised by how well he was able to fight off the urge of planting that kiss you both desired. It was obvious that the ball was in your court and all you had to do was say the magic words.

"Shouto, I like when you look at me, and touch me," you relayed onto his lips. He groaned and nuzzled his warm lips against yours, trying to keep his composure and starting to breathe heavier. You giggled and pressed the tip of your thumb between his teeth finally giving him at least something to latch onto while you teased a bit more.

"I'd like it more though, if you finally kissed me."

Shouto nipped on your thumb and released it. "If I kiss you, then I'm not sure I'll be strong enough to stop myself."

You rolled your eyes and wrapped your fingers into his red tresses. "Just do it Shouto!"

Nothing else needed to be said as Shouto was eager to fulfill your demand. His lips finally closed the last small fraction of distance and pressed against yours, molding together perfectly. You hummed into the passionate and tender kiss, his lips weren't cold or scorching hot, but a perfect warm. Your lips danced together slowly and lingered, tasting the other finally and it was extremely sweet and indulgent. Each time you both thought of remotely breaking away your lips would be immediately recaptured by the other. He couldn't get enough and neither could you. Shouto gripped your cheek and a smile formed between the kiss, you took it as his surrender and pursed your lips together one last time lingering a few more seconds before finally breaking at the same time.

Your chests heaved up and down as you panted into each other's mouths trying to catch your breath. He smiled at your swollen lips and placed one last soft peck to them and then to your cheek. You giggled and kissed his cheek as well and turned your back to him again, scooting into his chest. He embraced you and kissed your hair, pulling the covers over the both of you.

"Can we stay in bed all day Rokiroki?"

Shouto hummed and wrapped his arm around your waist, finding your hand again, interlocking your fingers.

"If that's what you want to do sweetheart."